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Tuesday, December 26, 2006


Best of 2006

The end of the year is here again. Wait. That makes it sound like this year has ended before, when clearly time is linear and this year is ending now for the first time. Better to say that New Year's Eve is once again approaching--better!--and I'm seeing all sorts of major magazines tossing out/off their Best of the Year awards. Because I'm so bitter at not writing for a magazine, I like to work up my own Best of list and then foist it on any poor bastard unlucky enough to accidentally come across the site. So here it is, folks, my celebration of the year that was.

Best Advancement of the Political Process: Non-Voting Primaries. Presidential elections have always been so darned confusing. There's all those candidates to choose from. You never have enough time to look into all of them and figure out who you like. I usually just write all the candidates' names in Cheese Whiz on my kitchen counter, leave it over-night and vote for the one that traps the most roaches. So it's so refreshing that the media is saving us the trouble of voting for these people by narrowing the Democratic field down to two a good twenty-three months before the 2008 election. Thanks, guys!

Best Celebrity Break-Up: Kid Rock and Pamela Anderson. Sorry, Vaughniston! For sheer proof of the fact that most celebrities are kind of moronic and should be banned from procreating, you can't beat a marriage falling apart because of Borat.

Best Rodent: The Spiny Dormouse. The Laotian Rock Rat had a hell of a year, but nobody rocked it in '06 like Rodentia Platacanthomyidae.

Bestest Best Guy in the World: Karl Rove. Listen, his team got the shit smacked out of them in the midterm elections and he doesn't seem to be getting much visible love from the White House these days, so I thought maybe a "Best of" award on a blog might cheer him up. You hang in there, Karl.

Best New Ice Cream I Found: Haagen-Dazs Mayan Chocolate. Maybe this stuff was around before this year, but I had it for the first time a few weeks ago and I'm hooked. Cinnamon-flavored chocolate with rich fudge swirls. I usually think Haagen Dazs tastes like dog shit, but this stuff puts the "mmm" in "Hmmm, how did I get so fucking fat?"

Best Use of Pictures of Britney Spears' Crotch: Promoting Abstinence. I admit it. I was vaguely curious about these pantie-less shots on the internet and...I looked. I was blinded for hours. You hear about something like that and you're drawn to it against your will and then it's so damned gross that you have trouble keeping food down for a week. Shudder.

Best Racism: George Allen's Racism. Talk about your embarrassment of riches. There were so many news stories this year about notable racists, it was truly hard to pick just one. But, unlike Mel Gibson's racism or Michael Richards' racism or Iran's big Holocaust Denial Hoedown, the whole "Macaca" thing actually helped accomplish something aside from outing a celebrity as an insensitive/hate-filled putz. This particular racism actually helped the Democrats take congress. So, yay for racism!

Best Way to Rid the World of Ben Affleck: Covering Him with Cocaine and Letting Paris Hilton Snort Him Up Her Nose. I was thinking about maybe suggesting that he be drawn and quartered, but I'd hate to see a pretty horse with Affleck all over it. So I decided that we should fight celebrity with celebrity.

Best Spoiled Food: Week Old Crab Salad. The rancid mayonnaise is awesome enough, but then you throw in seafood that's starting to rot and you've got a Spoiled Food Jamboree.

Best Deity: Ganesh. Buddha's jolly. Zeus gets the chicks. Jesus does awesome party tricks. But, when it comes to sheer heavenly being charisma, you just can't top this elephant-headed charmer.

So hey, I don't know about you, but 2006 largely sucked ass for me. So here's wishing us all a much brighter, much happier 2007.

2006 largely sucked ass for me, too.

I hope to see you and the missus while you're here in my neck of the woods, but I may spend the rest of 2006 in bed, trying to avoid further incident.

It doesn't seem to be safe for me out
in the world, or even ensconced in my own home, apparently...

Here's hoping 2007 turns things around towards the more positive for us both! Maybe I'll even make it to NYC next year for a visit!! Well, a girl can dream...
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