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Monday, December 11, 2006


Cracked Nut

My wife and I went to see The Nutcracker yesterday. This was the New York City Ballet version, choreographed 52 years ago by George Balanchine. That's a long damn time for one work of choreography to exist.

I love the music of this show, but I don't recall ever actually going to see it performed. I have very vague memories of going to see a ballet when I was maybe seven or so, but I don't for the life of me remember what the hell it was. Since one out of every two ballets performed in the U.S. are The Nutcracker, I suppose there's a pretty good chance that's what it was.

This production was pretty good, I guess. The story, folks, is not much to speak of. A little girl gets a nutcracker from her freak-ass godfather, she and the nutcracker fight off an assload of mice, then spend the entirety of the second act sitting, while food dances in front of them. Not a whole lot of plot there.

Anyway, we saw a matinee performance and we were surrounded by kids. (And a text-messaging assbite who was apparently conducting a job interview with her thumbs while sitting in the theater; my wife nearly decked her.) They made the standard kid noise throughout--screaming at the approach of the mouse king, laughing at the funny movements during the Chinese tea dance, etc.

Then, when Dewdrop comes on to dance with her flowers, a couple of little girls started squealing and yelled, "Oh! Here come the real ballerinas!" Which made me wince a little in sympathy for the poor schmucks playing the mice, who, I'm sure, were thinking something along the lines of, "I'll show you a real ballerina, you little fuck! Want to see my bleeding fucking toes?"

Poor, poor mice. Will the children never learn?

LOL! Poor mice indeed!

The problem with the Nutcracker is it brings out every ignorant mother with no idea how to act in public. The most cultural event they go to all year is the movies and they don't get that there are REAL PEOPLE on stage.

Last time I went the mother next to me provided commentary for the whole fucking show.

"Oh, look. She's wearing red. Oh, look. Here come the mice. Oh, look. The women next to me is going to punch me in the neck."
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