Helping You Get the Most Out of Your Misery






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Tuesday, December 12, 2006



Man, I'm tired. I just got back to the States after a flying trip to Iran to attend the Holocaust Denial Conference. I had such an awesome time. I'm a little hung over, though. I was out drinking last night with my buddy David Duke. That motherfucker can put it away, man. He's an animal! I don't think, I'll be honest, I've laughed as much in the last year as I did at this conference. Holocaust deniers are just good people, y'know? At lunch yesterday, my friend Mahmoud Amahdinejad did this fucking hilarious bit where he hung a curly-fry from each ear and shouted, "Look at me! I'm a Hassid!" It killed.

But it wasn't all fun and games, of course. Holocaust denying takes a lot of rigorous intellectual brain-thingies. And we had a lot to think about. My first day at the conference started with a really tedious four-hour sign-in. They have to do a cavity search and a quick blood-typing to make sure you aren't carrying Zionist white cells. Then I spent the afternoon in a really great workshop in which we compared our reasons for denying the Holocaust. Most people came up with stuff like, "You're telling me the Germans seriously would have gone to all that trouble just to kill Jews?" This one guy from Syria said his sole reason for believing the Holocaust didn't happen was because his bitch ex-wife says it did and she's never been fucking right about anything. Which is pretty sound reasoning, I think.

Then, yesterday, I passed the morning in an awesome brain-storming session about what else we should be denying. The short list looks something like this:
  • That puppies are cute. (Seriously: enough with fucking puppies already.)
  • That the Star Wars prequels sucked. (If we say they rocked, they rocked.)
  • That Mahmoud Amahdinejad has a tiny dick. (Mahmoud came up with that one.)
  • That the chicken came first.
  • That Next Generation is better than Original Trek. (Man, those Trekkies will go to any fucking convention they can find.)
  • That tater tots are "White Trash Food".
  • That I left the toilet seat up.
Now, that's a lotta stuff to deny. I think it's possible that we were a little over-ambitious with our denying. Anyway, the conference was great. They're thinking of doing it at Six Flags next year, mostly 'cause my pal Robert Faurisson loves the roller coasters.

I would have stayed a bit longer, but there was kind of an awkward moment last night at the bar when David Duke put his hand on my thigh and kind of left it there. I was like, "Hey, Dukester, what's up with that?" and then he went into this whole kind of thing, like, "I don't know what your hangup is. I'm not gay and blah blah blah." I think maybe there are some things Davey's not dealing with, but that's a whole other kind of denial.

Anyway, the important thing is that the Holocaust never happened. Just ask Mel Gibson.