Helping You Get the Most Out of Your Misery
Wednesday, December 20, 2006
Hairshirt Christmas Horoscope
Aries: This year, surprise your spouse with the one gift you know they really want: a divorce.
Taurus: Despite your deeply held convictions, a double-beef soft taco does not make the greatest stocking stuffer in the world, even if you unwrap it, add extra hot sauce and then wrap it up again.
Gemini: Maybe you should just admit to your kid that you haven't read the bible and don't know the details of Jesus' birth instead of launching into some long-winded story involving "magic pelicans" and Darth Maul.
Cancer: You need to look explore the fact that Heatmiser kind of turns you on.
Leo: Fine; you hate Christmas and feel like you have to drink just to be able to put up with being with your family. You're not alone in that, I suppose. But are you going to start turning to that solution more and more? Like what about the hard tests you face in third grade next year? Are you going to start doing shots as you sharpen your pencils? It's a cycle, man.
Virgo: Nobody wants to smell your "special Christmas farts".
Libra: Give yourself the gift of a little dignity this year by not wrapping up a porn DVD and pretending you got a gift from Santa.
Scorpio: Kissing under the mistletoe is a social custom, not actual holiday magic. So, "spiking" your sister's friends' cocoa with ground up mistletoe will not supernaturally compel them to make out with you. It will just give them massive stomach cramps.
Sagittarius: Santa fucking hates you and has ever since you wiped a boog on the cookies you left out for him when you were nine.
Capricorn: The special gift you can give this holiday season is to let your Gentile friends think they're doing something really great wishing you "Happy Hanukkah", instead of reminding them that it's actually a minor holiday that many Jewish folks don't give a shit about.
Aquarius: This marks the first Christmas in a decade that doesn't end with you face down in a puddle of your own vomit. In point of fact, you'll be face down in someone else's vomit, which makes for a nice change.
Pisces: The fact that you have entire scenes from The Santa Clause memorized kind of makes me want to hit you with a baseball bat.