Helping You Get the Most Out of Your Misery
Wednesday, December 27, 2006
Hairshirt Horoscope 2007 Zodiac Forecast
Aries: For Aries, 2007 will be a year of searching; of questioning oneself. Really you need to just fucking hang your keys up when you get home at the end of the day so you always know where they are.
Taurus: Taureans with work-related problems will find that their level of job satisfaction skyrockets in the coming year. This is mostly because they start going to work high.
Gemini: Health concerns will continue to plague you, Gemini, until around May, which is when your doctor will sit you down and tell you that the lump on your breast is actually a bit of dried cottage cheese you hadn't managed to wash off after an Earth Day celebration.
Cancer: Expect an unpleasant surprise in the Fall. The stars are a bit hazy, so this could either be the death of a spouse or a new sitcom for Delta Burke.
Leo: Leos should seize the moment this year and explore their passions to the fullest. Don't just eat nachos; become one with them! (In a non-sexual way, please.)
Virgo: Don't let your fear of the unknown prevent you from moving forward with your life, Virgo. Make 2007 the year you finally use a bidet.
Libra: There will be setbacks for you this year, Libra. On the other hand, you get to discover a whole new way of living as you make friends with your fellow castrati.
Scorpio: Your birthday this year is a bit more solemn than usual, Scorpio, as you contemplate what kind of legacy you'll leave behind when your life ends. Not to worry: people will remember you. At least half a dozen times a week, people in your building will say, "Hey, didn't that asshole die?"
Sagittarius: Keep your eyes open for investment opportunities in August, Sagittarius. Something a bit more solid than your friend Lou who's starting an all-you-can-eat tofu chain.
Capricorn: Start a new health regimen in January, Capricorn, and you'll see results by March. And those results will be a couple thousand dollars less in your bank account for a gym membership you never use and a nagging sense of guilt every time you walk by that fucking place.
Aquarius: Aquarians will find themselves bothered by horrible vaginal itching come February. Not your own; there's just this really disgusting junkie woman who starts riding your bus every day.
Pisces: Pisces, this is the year you finally realize that you really want to be a shepherd. So...good luck with that.