Helping You Get the Most Out of Your Misery
Wednesday, December 13, 2006
Aries: This week, you find yourself thinking a thought that haunts you every Christmas season: what the fuck is a bob-tail and why would you put bells on it?
Taurus: Feel free to punch in the crotch any dipshit who complains about cold weather by calling into snarky doubt the existence of global warming.
Gemini: It's once again time to bake your famous Christmas cookies! You know the ones I'm talking about; the ones with dates and filberts that you give to all your friends every year and then they choke down one just to try to be nice and they end up dumping the rest in the trash two weeks after Christmas when they look in their cookie tin and realize that nobody's ever going to fucking eat those things. Those ones.
Cancer: Some people prefer the Beatles. Some people prefer the Rolling Stones. You're a giant geek and don't care for any music that hasn't been played on the Doctor Demento show.
Leo: Things are looking a little bleak for your weekend plans. Perhaps if your plans were more realistic and didn't involve flying in a rocket ship and being awarded the Best Person Ever medal by Jesus and Abraham Lincoln's clone, your plans might actually reach fruition every once in awhile.
Virgo: Don't let some snot-nosed kid's remark get you down. Unless he actually rubs some of the snot on you or something.
Libra: Tonight, in tribute to the late Peter Boyle, you'll put on a pair of moon boots and do a soft shoe in your living room while howling "Puttin' on the Ritz". It's really the least you can do.
Scorpio: Your plan to spice up your Hanukkah celebration this year by hiring a mariachi band to play during your seder may not be quite the brainstorm you think.
Sagittarius: Entomologist or not, you really shouldn't name your first-born child "Larva".
Capricorn: An older relative might be feeling lonely right around now and could really use a visit to cheer them up. And if you could do it without making any "old man smell" jokes or looking at your watch every two seconds, that'd be great.
Aquarius: You start to tell someone that you "...always start [your] day by eating breakfast and kicking ass and [you've] already had [your] breakfast," when you realize that you haven't, actually, eaten. It's always awkward to start a brawl with a lie, don't you think?
Pisces: The office Christmas party is not the place to get raging drunk. Unless, of course, making out with some skank from accounting and puking on your supervisor's shoes is your idea of a great time, in which case go for it.