Helping You Get the Most Out of Your Misery






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Saturday, December 23, 2006



I know that, at this point, it's a little late in the game, and that you've all already gotten me a fantastic Christmas gift. But, just in case you've been waiting for the last minute--or want to reevaluate and replace a gift you've already prepared for me--I thought I'd take a couple of minutes to let everyone know what I'm wanting for the holiday.
  • Paprika. I find that you can never have too many red spices around. Sometimes, you just want to make a bowl of cereal look a little more elegant, y'know? So I like to keep a five gallon jug of paprika in the pantry at all times and my gallon's running a little low.
  • Smokey and the Bandit on DVD. I know a lot of people prefer Reynold's later work, circa Sharkey's Machine. Personally, though, I find the homoerotic subtext between Gleason and Reynolds to be fascinating.
  • Crotchless Undies. Sometimes, I like to feel sexy.
  • A Really Nice Ashtray. I haven't smoked in years, but there's just something about a good ashtray that feels so right. And I'm not talking about one of those made-by-a-five-year-old clay pieces of shit, either. I want something that I'm proud to display, not obligated.
  • A Bed Made of Marshmallows. I'm going to be going on Ambien, and I want to make sure I have something close by to eat. Add to this the fact that marshmallows are fluffy and wonderful and you've got a no-brainer.
  • A BB Gun With Which I Can Shoot People Who Use the Phrase "No-Brainer". God, I fucking hate that term.
  • The Sharper Image Ass Massager. Can you ever have your ass rubbed too much? I think not.

But whatever you're getting me, I want to wish you a Merry Christmas (or whatever the hell it is you celebrate).