Helping You Get the Most Out of Your Misery






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Saturday, December 16, 2006


When You're Here, You're Family (Stupid, Stupid Family)

Just came across this story about people in Indiana who got ill this week after eating at an Olive Garden restaurant. Apparently, health officials and the management of the Olive Garden are working feverishly to determine what it was that made the people sick.

I'm gonna go ahead and save them some time on this one: They got sick from eating at fucking Olive Garden.

Just like with the Taco Bell e-coli business, I just think that people should know that, when they eat at these places, they're taking their lives in their own hands. I mean, come on! How naive do you have to be? "What? Unlimited soup and breadsticks?!? And that's all made with loving care from quality ingredients, right?"

It's made by poor shmucks who couldn't get a better paying job and resent the living hell out of being stuck driving to a mall complex five times a week to spend eight hours or so shuffling around a steamy kitchen under the direction of an assbite who thinks he's God's Gift to Business Savvy because he got promoted to manager. They cannot be happy. And, if you've seen Like Water for Chocolate, you know that whatever a cook is feeling is magically imbued into the food they're making. So you're eating all that bitterness. Along with whatever germs they've got on their hands after coming back from their bathroom break and walking right on by the Employees Must Wash Their Hands sign without slowing down.

All these places need to have a giant sign over the door that clearly states: Eat at Your Own Risk.