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Wednesday, January 10, 2007


Hairshirt Horoscope

Aries: You are so incredibly jazzed about how warm this winter has been! You've been wearing flip-flops and working on your tan! If this is global warming, you're gonna rush out and buy a Hummer!

Taurus: Intellectually engaging pursuits are in the offing tonight, Taurus. It's a fantastic time to enjoy an opera or a novel by Camus. Or you could sit on your ass with a bowl of ice cream and watch Top Chef. Whatever works.

Gemini: There comes a time when you have to let go of your fear and just take that leap of faith. And that time is most definitely not this time, when you're much better off cowering in the corner.

Cancer: A wise man once said, "It's better to be seen picking the underwear out of your ass-crack than to wind up with skidmarks." Those sage words really hit home for you this week.

Leo: This is a time when you really need to try to answer those big important questions that you normally tend to push to the back of your mind. Right now, you've got the energy and ability to find the answers. If, I should add, the question is something along the lines of "Would I enjoy bestiality?", you should probably try pushing it further back in your mind.

Virgo: You're anxious to get home this evening so you can enjoy President Bush's speech about changes to his Iraq policy. Honestly, it's almost as fun as watching Two and a Half Men. Almost.

Libra: The many wins for Pirates of the Caribbean: Dead Man's Chest at last night's People's Choice Awards have really restored you faith in the belief that democracy can work.

Scorpio: You spend a great deal of time this week trying to settle on the right Pathetic Mid-Life Crisis Expenditure. You're having a hard time choosing between pectoral implants and a new electric guitar. Might I put in my vote for paying someone an exorbitant fee to chop off your pathetic receding-hairline-defying ponytail?

Sagittarius: Remember, sometimes a small lie can spare someone's feelings. And more importantly, it'll keep everyone from knowing what a gigantic whore your are.

Capricorn: Looking for a way to smite your enemies? Try boiling oil!

Aquarius: You need to try to mask your disappointment when you find out that your date isn't suggesting an exciting new sexual activity, but is genuinely offering you some mixed nuts.

Pisces: You secretly enjoy your dog's farts.

Ha! Hadn't thought of that...
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