Helping You Get the Most Out of Your Misery






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Wednesday, January 17, 2007


Hairshirt Horoscope

Aries: In an attempt to be less selfish, you take a solemn vow to just grab handfuls of the mixed nuts instead of picking out all the almonds. Then you sit there and pick out all the almonds anyway. You're a selfish bugger, aren't you?

Taurus: Difficult as it may be to face all those projects you've let pile up, Taurus, it would be even more difficult to eat your way out from the bottom of a pudding cup the size of Madison Square Garden. This is just one of the many things you'll be thinking of this week instead of facing your projects. Well done.

Gemini: Things are not always as they first appear, Gemini. For example, that guy who looks like a friendly and personable coke dealer is actually an undercover cop.

Cancer: Sometimes it is easier to attend to the small, mundane details of life rather than lift your eyes to the horizon and confront the big picture, Cancer. This is unfortunate, as there's a really hot blonde with the curtains wide open on the horizon and you're missing the free show.

Leo: This is an excellent week to give voice to your secret desires, Leo. Who knows? That grocery store clerk you've had your eye on might really be into creepy-looking older guys.

Virgo: It is time for you to refill the well of your soul, Virgo, which shouldn't take too long, as it's got the depth of a thimble.

Libra: You would make an excellent judge, dear Libra, as you have the ability to consider all aspects of a situation. You'd also make a great lookout on a pirate ship and a swell bi-sexual.

Scorpio: Just because one person is no longer part of your life doesn't mean that all people are unreliable. There are plenty of reliable people out there. It's just that none of them want to have anything to do with a dipshit like you.

Sagittarius: It can be hard letting go of old habits, Sagittarius. For example, I have no doubt that you'll continue wiping your boogers on the coats of unsuspecting commuters that have the misfortune to sit next to you on the bus until the day you die.

Capricorn: You always suspected that your job was making you crazy, Capricorn. Turns out it was the schizophrenia doing that.

Aquarius: Just how long has it been since you indulged in your favorite chocolate pleasure, dear Aquarius? If I had to guess, judging by the size of your ass, I'd say it was about ten seconds ago. I'd also guess that your favorite chocolate pleasure is ten pounds of chocolate, covered in lard.

Pisces: If you feel like you are trying to push a square peg into a round hole, Pisces, then you should probably ask yourself why the hell your penis is square. Seriously, what the fuck did you do to that thing?

Damn straight it's the schizophrenia! No garden-variety psychosis for me!
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