Helping You Get the Most Out of Your Misery






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Wednesday, January 24, 2007


Hairshirt Horoscope

Aries: If you've been thinking about starting a garden, Aries, today is a great day to do it. Just be aware that there's a good chance you'll be digging up moldering corpses buried in your backyard by your psychopath neighbor.

Taurus: Family and friends may gather at your home, or the home of a neighbor, for an intimate get-together. The bitch of it is that you aren't going to be invited.

Gemini: A close friend or a lover could share a secret with you today, Gemini. Most likely, it will be something along the lines of the fact that they're creeped out when you refer to them as your "lover". Seriously, what the fuck, are you living in a Danielle Steele novel?

Cancer: Someone you've known for a long time, but haven't seen for awhile, could come back into the picture, Cancer. Sadly, they only want to know if they left their bong at your house and then they'll be on their way.

Leo: Today, you and your family--or a group of friends--might spend most of the day out and about, dear Leo. That's because your homeless.

Virgo: A class, lecture or workshop could prove fascinating and stimulating for you today, Virgo. Then again, when you take that much fucking acid, a potted plant is fascinating and stimulating.

Libra: If you've been thinking about buying a home, or otherwise purchasing real estate, Libra, this is an excellent day to get the ball rolling. Being utterly impoverished, however, you should be aware that the ball is going to be rolling for a long, long time.

Scorpio: A festive social event could start or consolidate a love relationship, Scorpio, which could last a long time. Now, I have no idea what it means to "consolidate a love relationship", but let's go ahead and say it means, "screw up a love relationship completely".

Sagittarius: Work only until you're pleasantly tired, Sagittarius, then quit for the day. That should sit well with your employer.

Capricorn: A warm and loving communication could come today from a longtime friend or romantic partner, Capricorn. The question, then, is: do you consider a pet rabbit boiling on your stove to "warm and loving"?

Aquarius: Today, Aquarius, you should be experiencing a strong sense of contentment and satisfaction with your life. Or it could just be indigestion.

Pisces: Business transactions taking place in your neighborhood should prove sensible and satisfying today, Pisces. Of course, most business transactions in your neighborhood usually involve hookers, crack or both.