Helping You Get the Most Out of Your Misery






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Wednesday, January 31, 2007


Hairshirt Horoscope

Aries: Your imagination is, in all likelihood, drawing you away to faraway places, Aries, places like Successland and Competenceville. Places you will never ever find.

Taurus: Remember that there is a spirit in everything around you, Taurus. Just because we can't perceive something with our eyes, ears, nose, mouth or fingers doesn't mean that it doesn't exist. So that guy you pass on the street every morning who's perpetually engaged in an argument with his shoes may be onto something.

Gemini: Share more of your passion, love and happiness with the people around you, Gemini. Just be careful that your "sharing" doesn't involve a lot of groping.

Cancer: Drastic shifts in your emotions might be causing you to doubt certain instincts or feelings you have, Cancer. Which is good, as your instincts and feelings are unfailingly wrong.

Leo: Today is one of those days when you just want to lie on your back on the ground and just look up at the clouds, Leo. That's because you're in a coma.

Virgo: You are most likely going to be very drawn to the things you can't have, Virgo. So drawn to them, in fact, that you often steal them. And this is what grown-ups call "kleptomania".

Libra: You may find yourself staring at a blank page for what seems like hours on end while you try to get down on paper what you really want to say, Libra. But once the mushrooms wear off, you'll find your composition skills greatly improved, especially since you're no longer distracted by all the musical colors.

Scorpio: If you find yourself needing to do something in order to escape your life for awhile, Scorpio, then maybe you need to examine your life more closely. But be careful, as you'll probably find it's even shittier than you'd realized.

Sagittarius: Make your time spent with others much richer, Sagittarius, by contrasting it with time spent absolutely alone. I'm pretty certain that, for one thing, you masturbate a lot less when you're with others. Hopefully.

Capricorn: Attend a lecture or some kind of intellectual discussion in which people are actively expressing their strong ideas and opinions, Capricorn. And please try to refrain from making fart noises in the middle of it.

Aquarius: Be careful, Aquarius, that you aren't making witty conversation or entertaining jokes at someone else's expense. And by "witty conversation", I mostly mean pointing and yelling, "She look silly!"

Pisces: Make certain you take your time and gather all the necessary facts, Pisces, or else you may end up making an impulsive decision that you regret later on. Not that any amount of fact-gathering is going to keep you from trying to cram your fat ass into clothes three sizes too small for you.