Helping You Get the Most Out of Your Misery






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Tuesday, January 23, 2007


Must-See TV

Poor George. Poor, poor George. The guy has sunk down to an all-time low 28% approval rating. People are feeling about him the same way they feel about genital warts and telemarketers. And telemarketers with genital warts.

And despite all the shit he's catching, the poor sumbitch has to get up in front of everybody and talk about the many, many things he's fucked up. Analysts on all the major networks and political writers for all the major magazines have already chimed in with what they figure he's going to say.
Here at Hairshirt, though, we don't have to bother with all that speculative wanking. Thanks to our high-placed White House sources, we obtained a copy of the speech last Friday. Let me tell you, people, you are in for a treat. This is killer material and G the W is just the guy to deliver it.

I don't want to spoil the surprise too horribly, but I figure it can't hurt to post a few delectable excerpts.
  • The speech starts off thusly, in a rather light-hearted vein: My fellow Americans, members of congress and all those watching from abroad...I'm gonna keep this short, 'cause I gotta take a dook.
  • Speaking about the war in Iraq: I have spoken with military and civilian experts about the New Way Forward. We are all in agreement that the New Way Forward must move forward. If I didn't want to move forward, I woulda called it the Way to Go Back Someplace I Already Was. But I didn't call it that. Not as euphonious.
  • Speaking on immigration: We must move ahead cautiously on this issue of immigration. Sure, nobody wants Americans to lose their jobs to cheap immigrant labor. But it doesn't make sense to try to keep out everybody. There's good Mexicans, too. When I was in college, there was this gal my friends and I used to go see in Nogales who would get it on with a bear. A bear! That's talent. Do you really want to keep someone like that from moving here?
  • Bush follows up on his previous SotU proposal for manned missions to Mars: I'm a little disappointed that NASA scientists haven't done a better job of getting our guys back to the moon yet. It's always been my dream to have a barbecue on Mars and, at the rate they're going, I'm not going to have enough teeth left to eat my spareribs by the time I get there.
  • On global warming: You whiny bastards make me wanna puke. "Oh no! I can go out in January in flip-flops and get a tan!" Global warming would be awesome! If it actually existed, it would be awesome.
  • On alternate fuel sources: I am calling for this nation's scientists to double their efforts in creating a viable hydrogen fuel cell that can be used to replace the internal combustion engine. And then I want them to make a jet pack, with which I could fly up real high and drop water balloons filled with poo on people.
  • ???: Crab meat is okay.
  • The big finish: Ladies and gentlemen, there are, I know, those who believe that our nation is headed in the wrong direction. They see events in Iraq and feel hopeless. They don't believe that education is improving as much as we say it is. They worry that our environment is damaged beyond repair. These people need to relax and have a fucking beer. That's what I'm gonna do. I'm gonna go home and pound a six-pack in about twenty minutes. Good night.