Helping You Get the Most Out of Your Misery
Wednesday, February 21, 2007
Aries: Working at home could be the answer for you today, dear Aries. The question, of course, being, "What can you tell your neighbors you're doing so they don't know that you're under house arrest for molesting dwarfs?"
Taurus: Someone may put forth a type of opportunity that you've never considered before. Most likely, this will involve either work as a "mule" or sex with a donkey (the stars are unclear on this). Think about it, but don't decide for a few days.
Gemini: Financial benefits might be in the wind, and you may be entertaining outrageous fantasies of what you're going to spend it all on. Removing that giant goiter from your neck might be a good start, and a great way to improve your dating life.
Cancer: Your diligence and dedication should attract the attention of those in authority, so expect advancement in some way. Like maybe being advanced right from training camp to Iraq to replace the British soldiers Tony Blair is pulling out.
Leo: What you read or hear is likely to be fascinating, but you might be too overwhelmed to make sense of it right now. Just take comfort in the fact that so many millions of other people are just as grief-stricken as you over the tragic death of someone who brought us all together by showing her tits in a magazine and fucking a really old guy. Ana Nicole: America's Rose. *sob*
Virgo: Take care that you don't get so caught up in a quest for perfection that you stress yourself out too much. I mean, sure, you want to show your shift supervisor that you have utterly mastered the McNugget Timer, but don't push yourself too hard.
Libra: The other priests don't appreciate the creative expression you show by ashing your initials on parishioners' foreheads instead of that boring ol' cross. Hang in there! New ideas take awhile to catch on.
Scorpio: There might be a lot of paper to wade through today, Scorpio, not to mention jargon that appears to be indecipherable. This is because you're illiterate.
Sagittarius: Today you might consider making an investment of time and energy in a creative project of some kind, Sagittarius. Knowing you, this will most likely take the form of a pornographic doodle of some sort.
Capricorn: Visitors might come to your home today to discuss business of some kind, or they could be coming to take you away to a mental hospital. Trust no-one!
Aquarius: A rush of excess ambition may cause you to channel a lot of your physical and mental energy into whatever work you're doing right now, Aquarius. As a result of your zeal, your body could be exhausted, but your mind may be spinning like a top. Hey, wouldn't it be weird if your body spun like a top? You should try that!
Pisces: An upcoming visit from someone close to you may have you working overtime in order to fix up your house, Pisces. But, honestly, there's only so much you're going to be able to do when you live in a cardboard box. Your friend is really more interested in visiting you, anyway, so don't stress.