Helping You Get the Most Out of Your Misery
Wednesday, February 14, 2007
Hairshirt Valentine Horoscope
Aries: Despite all evidence to the contrary, Aries, you hold fast to your belief that there's nothing sexier than putting on the pouty face and telling your Valentine, "I wuv oo." You're a little creepy.
Taurus: You're not the first person to try passing off a restaurant-created meal as your own slaved-over Valentine love feast. You may, however, be the first person to think your romantic partner is going to believe you home-cooked a Big Mac.
Gemini: On Valentine's Day, when your girlfriend looks you in the eyes and tells you she wants you right now, it's best not to ask her to wait until Lost is over.
Cancer: Even in the romantic spirit of the day, you should probably rethink the "Kiss Me, I'm a Pedophile" t-shirt.
Leo: Expect a lovely and thoughtful Valentine gift today. If, that is, you regard as thoughtful half-dead bodega roses that the dimwit you're seeing paid four times the normal price for because he utterly forgot until he was on the way home and lacked the imagination to make an un-lemmingish purchase.
Virgo: Roses are red. Violets are blue. Your boyfriend has genital warts and now so do you.
Libra: A homemade card is a thoughtful gesture. But dipping your balls in red paint and pressing them onto some construction paper is maybe not the best creative approach.
Scorpio: Scorpio's Valentine's plans? A pint of Ben & Jerry's, a liter of Stoli and a five-gallon drum of bitterness. Ah, single life.
Sagittarius: Give your romantic partner a thrilling surprise by greeting them at the door wearing nothing but a chocolate bar wedged in between your ass cheeks!
Capricorn: Many, many people are in agreement with you that Valentine's Day is a vacuous, made-up holiday created by marketers desperate to sell chocolate, candy and greeting cards. Your girlfriend is not one of those people.
Aquarius: You should be proud that you've made it this long saving yourself for marriage. But I'm telling you here and now that Jesus would have wanted you to get laid.
Pisces: It's great to dress sexy for your lady on Valentine's Day, but here we need to consider the question of whether or not an elephant-trunk thong really falls into the "sexy" category.