Helping You Get the Most Out of Your Misery






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Wednesday, February 07, 2007


Space Madness

I am so sick and tired of the media seizing on a story's sensational aspects and then blowing it all out of proportion. Take the case of poor Lisa Nowak. The woman goes to heroic lengths to save a love affair and all the press can talk about is the diaper. Let me ask you, people: you're driving non-stop for nine hundred miles, how are you gonna solve the urine/feces issue?

Personally, I considered Ms. Nowak a hero before all this. Now, she's like a god in my book.

In fact, I'm pretty sure there's going to be a TV movie coming out of all this, and I'm really concerned that some yahoo's going to write a highly fictionalized version that portrays Ms. Nowak in an unflattering light. Which is why I'm working on my own version, to tell her side of the story. I haven't gotten very far into my first draft yet, but I think it's coming together nicely. Here's a sample:


Lisa throws her bags in the car. The house door opens and Richie Jr stumbles into the garage.

Mom? It's three in the morning. What are you doing?

I'm just going for a drive, Richie. Go back to bed.

Okay. Just as long as you're not doing anything batshit crazy.

Watch your language, young man.

Richie goes back in the house. Lisa pulls a checklist out of her pocket.

Let's see... BB gun; check. Garbage bags; check. Pepper spray; check. Wig and trenchcoat; check. Rubber hose...damnit! Where's my rubber hose?

She rummages around in a drawer.

Rubber hose! Rubber hose! Where's the cockadoodie rubber hose? How can you tie up your rival without a rubber hose?

She pulls a rubber hose out of the drawer.

Oh thank God.

She tosses the hose into the backseat, then climbs behind the wheel.

Great. Now I have to go to the bathroom. Y'know what? I'll take care of it on the way.

The garage door opens and Lisa starts to pull out.

I'm doing this for our love, Bill. You're my spaceman.

She drives off.


You'll notice how I didn't even mention the diaper. It's important to protect Ms. Nowak's dignity here.

You did an excellent job of making her seem human. I applaud your efforts.

Incidentally, how many times do you think she listened to "Rocketman" on the way there? I'm guessing seven, only because I think the World Record For Repeatedly Listening to an Elton John Song Before Bleeding From the Ears is six. I gave her one more than the record cause she's an astronaut.
The diaper, the diaper... I've a friend who sells adult diapers to the medical industry, and I feel guilty for pitching Nowak as the new spokesperson for the product line.
You shame me, Joe.
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