Helping You Get the Most Out of Your Misery






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Sunday, March 25, 2007


Clown Wrath

The circus is coming to New York. And, unfortunately, they're bringing Bello the clown with them. I'm not a fan of clowns in general--creepy, unfunny, annoying--but this guy is just the most annoying-looking clown ever.

I've never seen his act. (This is because I don't fucking go to circuses.) But his goddamn picture is all over the subways and so I'm constantly confronted with his idiotic smile and his hair. His hair just makes me angry.

I don't know why. But it does. I hate his hair and I want to punch it or hit it with a shovel. I want to fire him from a cannon into a brick wall just to destroy the hair. I want to run a lawnmower back and forth across his scalp so I can see his hair flying into a mulching bag. I want to sneak up behind him with a lighter and an aerosol can so that I can set that hair on fire. I want to tie him up by a railroad track so a train can run his hair over. I want to rub tuna into his hair and then throw him into a pit with 378 hungry housecats.

Now, let me be absolutely clear here: I wish no violence upon Bello himself. As long as he doesn't clown near me, I'm fine with his continued healthy existence. But his hair must be destroyed.

Or maybe he could just put a fucking hat on.