Helping You Get the Most Out of Your Misery






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Wednesday, March 14, 2007


Hairshirt Horoscope

Aries: You may find yourself gravitating towards solid, grounded things, Aries, things like rocks, with which you could fill your pockets and jump in a body of water once you reach the disturbing realization of just how very much your life sucks.

Taurus: Rid yourself of excess baggage that you cling to as some sort of support or means of comfort. It's probably not a good idea, though to rid yourself of baggage that you use to carry clothes on trips. That baggage you probably want to hang on to.

Gemini: It is time to sit down with yourself and have a serious talk. Not literally, because trying to hold up two ends of a conversation is not rational. Basically, you just need to remind yourself to clip your toenails occasionally, as they're ripping the shit out of your socks.

Cancer: Don't let yourself be satisfied with superficial interactions that don't really fill you up. Fucking demand that every single person you come in contact with tells you something substantial. Like that goddamn bag boy at the market. Don't put up with his bullshit smalltalk anymore. Make him tell you what his goddamn plans are.

Leo: Perhaps there is a sense of shame that is present within you based on events of the past that still linger close behind you. Just remember that, if two people are on an elevator and one of them farts, everyone knows who did it. Words to live by.

Virgo: Don't just think of love as a commodity you must fight for and conquer with conniving tricks and strategic dating tactics, Virgo. Realize that love is something you can buy. Legally, in Nevada.

Libra: Guilt is basically a useless emotion that you should rid yourself of as quickly as possible. Look, you didn't know how long you were going to be stranded on that mountain. If everyone's going to be all pissy about you eating a few fellow plane crash survivors, fuck 'em.

Scorpio: Be aware that the more knowledge you spread to others, the more it will grow bountifully for everyone around you to share and profit by. So tell everyone you your opinion at all times. Don't worry about whether or not it "makes sense". You're trying to grow some goddamn knowledge.

Sagittarius: Why keep trying to fool yourself and others into thinking that you have all the answers, when really you are just aware of the tip of the iceberg? Remember: people have an easier time relating to a surgeon who can admit, "Hey, I have no idea how to reconnect this femoral artery."

Capricorn: Anger is apt to stir inside of you today, Capricorn, so go ahead and get your drunk on in order to make the most of it. Yeehaw!

Aquarius: Keep in mind that a gesture as simple as a smile and word of appreciation can be extremely healing for another person - and yourself. Or you could just look like some creepy dipshit who smiles too much.

Pisces: Open your eyes to the reality of the situation at hand, especially if the reality is that you're fucking driving.

Awfully hostile horoscope this week, Joe. Does someone need a hug?
Hostile? Hey, lady, I'm trying to help you navigate through a world that constantly seeks to crush you. Instead of griping, maybe you should be thanking me.
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