Helping You Get the Most Out of Your Misery






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Thursday, March 22, 2007


Hairshirt Horoscope

Aries: There is a great deal of unexpected communication coming your way today, Aries, but be careful of whom you trust. For example: that twitchy dude in the clown makeup with a machete in his hand and blood on his shoes? You probably don't want to invite him in for tea.

Taurus: It could be that you need to enlist some sort of translator in order to get through to a person with whom you are trying to communicate. Or you could just ask yourself if you really feel comfortable dating someone who feels that an evening at the Olive Garden is made that much better when you speak in Klingon.

Gemini: You may feel as if people have turned against you today, Gemini, but the truth is that they've been against you for ages and you've just been too stupid to notice.

Cancer: You're feeling a lot of warmth and affection toward everyone around you - but a little sad as well, particularly when you think of those who live far away. Call them up! They'll be glad to hear from you. Especially when you're ragingly drunk. Yeah, they'll be delighted to chat with you for hours. It'll be awesome.

Leo: Have fun letting your mind drift into a fanciful world where it can explore its imaginative proclivities. Since you're a White House staffer, you've been getting a lot of practice at this.

Virgo: Enjoy the fun-loving energy of the day instead of questioning it. The more you simply let loose and explore, the better off you will be. And, hey, if that means you find yourself in a coke-fueled threesome, well que sera, sera.

Libra: You have the opportunity to do some intense self-healing today, Libra, in such a way where you communicate much more directly with your core self, without the distractions of the people around you. This should prove pretty easy, as your head is up your ass.

Scorpio: Take a walk on the wild side today. Put three sugars in your decaf cappuccino! You'll feel so fucking free!

Sagittarius: Feel free to match your plaid slacks with your polka dot shirt today, Sagittarius. As long as you're going to be retarded, you might as well look retarded.

Capricorn: Do not feel like you absolutely need to take a rational and methodical approach to problems today. In fact, irrational and scattershot might be just the ticket.

Aquarius: Things are apt to jump out at you when you least expect them this week, so be prepared for surprises. Oh, well shit. I've gone and ruined the surprise for you. Goddammit! When will I learn? When will I learn?

Pisces: You might feel as if your heart is playing tricks on you today, Pisces. Actually, it's not playing tricks, it's just telling you you're going to die without an angioplasty.

I love a good drunk dial.
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