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Wednesday, March 28, 2007


Hairshirt Horoscope

Aries: You're apt to be especially attuned to the thoughts and feelings of people around you at this time, Aries. Which sucks for you, because you work with a punch of perverts who are mostly thinking about how much they'd love to be smearing Jell-O on their privates.

Taurus: Work on projects that require imagination and sensitivity could well take up a lot of your time today. It'll take so much time because you have absolutely no imagination or sensitivity.

Gemini: Words of love could be exchanged today between you and a romantic partner, Gemini. Sure, the actual sentence may be something like, "Get away from me, you creepy fucking asshole, or I'm calling the cops," but you'll be able to feel the love behind the words.

Cancer: More than one visitor might drop by in order to discuss matters with you, perhaps bringing a few books with them. These visitors are called "Mormons" and you'll know them by their short-sleeve shirt & tie combo. It's okay to not let these visitors in.

Leo: Insights that might not normally come to you add new depth and dimension to your writing; super-cool insights, like, "Celery is crunchy" or "Eating peanuts and grapes is like eating a raw form of a PB&J." Maybe you shouldn't be blogging while stoned.

Virgo: Your day, while not bad in any monumental sense, will be filled with enough shitty encounters to drive you that much closer to the precipice of utter nihilism. Have fun!

Libra: A trip to the library could be on your agenda for today, Libra, but it probably won't be, as you're illiterate.

Scorpio: Your intuition has been steadily increasing over the past few months, Scorpio. Like last week, when you predicted that George Bush wouldn't want to let Karl Rove testify before Congress? That was just amazing.

Sagittarius: Assessment of the ideas of others may be one of your main focuses for today, Sagittarius. Unfortunately for these "others", your assessments mostly consist of sarcasm, as represented by your reply of, "That's a brilliant idea, you fucking dipshit" when your assistant suggested getting Thai for lunch.

Capricorn: If your career involves communication in any form, expect to capture the interest of a lot of people at this time. This interest is mostly due to the fact that it's cold in the room and you're nipping out.

Aquarius: Don't let today pass you by. Reach your foot out and trip it, then tie it up and shove it in the closet with the other days.

Pisces: Dreams or visions could bring sudden and exciting insights with regard to career issues, Pisces. But please don't bore the living shit out of everyone around you by trying to tell them about these dreams. 'Cause the fact that you and your third grade teacher were flying a rocket ship is not fascinating to anybody but you.

what's a library? how do I understand this whole "library" concept? what are these buttons I'm hitting? what odd groupings on this shiny thing ni fnrot fo em. ad;litopq48. hhayellrty03;!
I dated a Mormon once.
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