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Monday, March 12, 2007


I'm Not a Face-Paint Kind of Guy

Woo-hoo! Awright! It's March Madness, baby! Yeah! Non-stop B-Ball! Time to eat, drink and sleep hoops! Time for me to have absolutely fucking nothing to say in casual workplace conversations 'cause I know fuck-all about NCAA sports.

It's annoying. I mean, I'll catch some games. College ball is fun to watch and all that, but it's not like I'm going to sit down and pour over stats to gauge the strongest teams. It's not like I'm going to have my bracket ready to call up at all times on my PDA. I don't goddamn have a PDA.

And so we have yet another opportunity for me to feel like an inferior male because I don't care enough about a particular sport. It's even worse when a team I sort of-kind of-half-assed care about like Ohio State is seeded near the top. Because I'll want to watch those games, but I won't know enough to really watch it well.

Again, I have to blame this failure in my life on the fact that I went to Kent State. Before I get a hundred people jumping on my ass, I know that Kent's basketball program has not been that historically wretched and that I could have mustered some enthusiasm for them while I was there if I'd really wanted to. But allow me to counter that Kent sports teams are called the Golden Flashes and there's no goddamn way I could ever really get behind a team that sounds like a perversion in which someone whips open a raincoat and pisses on you.

So I'll once again be the casual sports fan this March. I'll maintain an embarrassed silence when someone brings up the tournament at work. I'll watch some games here and there and not even know who the fuck's playing half the time. Because that's the kind of guy I am. Dammit.

Let's not forget, in addition to being the "Golden Flashes," the cheerleaders were called the "Flasherettes," and the football team played at DIX stadium. All that talk of Flashing Dix is enough to neuter the most rabid sports fan, so don't feel bad!
I'm with you.

I'd do just as well hanging this NCAA pool bracket on the wall and throwing darts at it.
I just love watching the games. That is all.
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