Helping You Get the Most Out of Your Misery
Wednesday, April 04, 2007
Hairshirt Easter Horoscope
Aries: It is not okay to make kids hunt for Easter eggs in your pants.
Taurus: In your Easter bonnet, with all the frills upon it, you'll be the most ridiculously overdressed lady in the Easter Parade.
Gemini: This year, you're really hoping to find a marshmallow peep shaped like Jesus.
Cancer: You've found your job working as a shopping mall Easter Bunny so very rewarding that you want to do something equally as meaningful after the holiday. Maybe you could get a job cleaning out port-a-potties.
Leo: You just can't shake your suspicion that there was no Jesus and this whole holiday was created by the egg industry to ratchet up their profits.
Virgo: By all means, buy your kid a huge Easter basket filled with all kinds of candy. It's fun when kids are awake and screaming/running through the house for five days straight.
Libra: Giving up masturbation for Lent was not a good idea. Now, when your family is enjoying a lovely Easter Sunday mass, you're going to be wanking away all morning. Jesus would not be happy.
Scorpio: You're struck by something when you listen to the Pope's mass from St. Peter's this year: Benedict has a sexy motherfucking voice.
Sagittarius: Is your kid really gonna notice that you waited until the day after Easter so you could get his candy at a discount? I think not.
Capricorn: This week, you'll spend hours and hours hand-crafting beautiful, intricately-designed eggs. Which your kids will then ruin in about .5 seconds when they slam them into their baskets at mach 3.
Aquarius: This year, you're haunted by a nagging question that just won't go away: Why the fuck to we call the day when Jesus was crucified "Good Friday"? Wouldn't "Utterly Shitty Friday" be more appropriate?
Pisces: All the decorating you do for Easter; all the shopping you do to find your kids just the right outfits; all the hours you spend cooking for the family's big Easter Sunday feast; none of it makes up for the fact that Easter is a lame-ass holiday with no good opportunities to get fucking drunk.