Helping You Get the Most Out of Your Misery






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Wednesday, April 11, 2007


Hairshirt Horoscope

Aries: A sudden and unexpected visit from someone who lives far away is likely to throw your usual schedule out of kilter, Aries. In fact, you're thrown so out of kilter that you lose all control of your bodily functions and wind up spewing urine and vomit all over your kitchen floor while attempting to serve your visitor crumb cake. It's no wonder you never have company.

Taurus: Last minute tax preparation can be a trying experience, Taurus. Go over all your financial records and you could be pleasantly surprised. Not by good financial news, but by the fact that you find an uneaten Skittle.

Gemini: Why do you fear gnomes?

Cancer: A rather disconcerting rumor about your job could reach your ears, Cancer. The rumor goes something like this: Your job is a soul-crushing, monumental waste of your life. Thank god you know that rumor's false, huh?

Leo: You could have a rather frantic day, with your mind constantly shifting from one focus to another. Schizophrenia's a bitch, isn't it?

Virgo: Someone whom you work with, probably a woman, is apt to leave the job suddenly, Virgo, with no notice and no reason given. This could be confusing, until you realize that she's a junkie and she just needs to go get her smack on.

Libra: Don't get so irritated today that you throw up your hands and give up. Giving up is fine, but leave your goddamn hands where they are.

Scorpio: A rather upsetting dream could disturb your sleep tonight, dear Scorpio. When you awaken and get focused in the real world, it may seem so bizarre it isn't worthy of any serious consideration. Nonetheless, write it down later, and after some time has passed go over the symbols and see what they suggest to you. The dream is trying to tell you something about a situation in your life, specifically that you're a putz who takes instructions from a fucking horoscope.

Sagittarius: A colleague, or possibly a romantic partner, might be in a rather touchy mood today, Sagittarius, so by all means ratchet up their anger by pointing at them and laughing when they spill bean dip on themselves.

Capricorn: You generally tend to be very intuitive, Capricorn, but today you might find that your psychic abilities may short-circuit. Seriously, your head is going to explode. Just like in Scanners. It's going to be awesome.

Aquarius: Some rather upsetting news about a friend could come to you today, Aquarius, probably over the phone. Now, when I say "probably", I mean that you shouldn't assume that I'm wrong if this news comes, say, through a telegram. It could be in sky-writing. Hell, if might even just spell itself out mysteriously in your Alpha-Bits. The point is, I'm right.

Pisces: Family members, along with your significant other, are apt to be rather disgruntled.
So shoot them before they shoot you.

You have such a firm grasp on the human psyche.
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