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Wednesday, April 18, 2007


Hairshirt Horoscope

Aries: If you have been thinking of making a career change, Aries, today is a good day to go to the library and do some research on the professions that interest you. Alternatively, you could write a bunch of different careers scraps of paper, throw them on your living room floor, feed your dog some burnt toast and see which one he throws up on first. First career puked on is your destiny.

Taurus: One thing that is clear is that you are likely to achieve extraordinary success through the use of technological innovations. Too bad they haven't come up with that Electric Ass Scratcher yet, huh?

Gemini: An unexpected change of plans could have you spending most of the day at the office, handling one crisis or another. It's kind of sad that you refer to your McDonald's fry station as "the office", but I suppose that's neither here nor there right now.

Cancer: It is hard to imagine a world without computers. Or without Pat Sajak.

Leo: With no advance warning, you could find yourself serving lunch or dinner for a group of ten! Even more disconcerting is the nagging question of how, exactly, you wound up in a bad '50s sitcom.

Virgo: Virgos will have all the love and support they need to get them through anything that comes their way. Except maybe Michael Bay movie. There's nothing to help anyone get through that.

Libra: You may be visiting friends or taking advantage of sales and doing some shopping. That's going to be difficult, given that you're friendless and broke, but, hey, go ahead and give it a shot.

Scorpio: A vacation just may be in order. I hear Iraq is lovely this time of year.

Sagittarius: Perhaps you've been thinking of starting your own business, and today you get the germ of an idea. Hey, wait a minute... Business? Germ? That's it! You could start your own organic germ farm!

Capricorn: Today may have you itching for a change, Capricorn. Or it could just be crabs.

Aquarius: Since social activities are highlighted today, why not round up your team members and treat them all to lunch, to celebrate. Oh, that's right, because you're a self-centered jerk.

Pisces: Adventure calls, and whether it be physical--such as a journey; mental--such as attending a class or a lecture; or pornographic--such as watching porn, you will find that it enlarges your world in just the way you had hoped.

Don't even speak of a world without Pat. Just don't.
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