Helping You Get the Most Out of Your Misery






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Wednesday, April 25, 2007


Hairshirt Horoscope

Aries: You're feeling especially sensual today, but that doesn't mean that anyone on the 7:45 #6 train wants to see your pole dance.

Taurus: Your seventy-five year-old mother has decided to spend your inheritance on a boob job, ass tuck and face-lift. I'm betting she's gonna look hot.

Gemini: Sex is a top priority with you today, Gemini. That's nothing unusual, however, as you're a rapist.

Cancer: Remember, a watched phone never rings! So, if you want your phone to ring, you're going to have to go ahead and blind yourself.

Leo: You are sadly mistaken: nowhere in the recipe for Chex Mix does it tell you to marinate your pretzels in Mr. Pibb.

Virgo: Your innate sensuality is tempered today with a touch of the mystical sort of romantic feeling found in fairy tales, Virgo. Or, to put it more plainly: you find yourself wanting to fuck a dwarf.

Libra: A desire to spruce up your home, Libra, might start with a thorough cleaning from attic to basement. You can have a lot of fun with this, especially if friends or lovers help out. Of course, many people get a little peeved when they arrive expecting an orgy and instead find themselves cleaning your bathroom grout.

Scorpio: You're in an especially sexy mood and not particularly afraid to say so. This is not appropriate behavior when you're meant to be teaching basic math skills to second-graders.

Sagittarius: Have you been waiting to hear about a grant that you applied for, perhaps to create a piece of art, write a book, or make a documentary film, Sagittarius? Probably not, since you spend most nights passed out in a puddle of your own vomit outside your neighborhood bar.

Capricorn: Turkey-stuffed tacos? Hey, why not! You only live once!

Aquarius: The desire to respect and honor that special someone in your life wars today with an equally strong desire to hit 'em in the face with a pie. I'd go with the pie.

Pisces: Have you been harboring a secret desire for someone whom you believe thinks of you only as a friend, Pisces? Well, it turns out they don't think of you as a friend. They think of you as "that creepy accountant who's always watching me through binoculars."

How about taco-stuffed turkeys?
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