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Thursday, April 12, 2007


Roundtable: Tyra-ble

I'm not normally a violent person. I generally hope for people to get along and I don't tend to wish anyone ill. I really don't. I swear.

But I'm gonna state here and now that I would like to see Tyra Banks shot out of a cannon and directly into a brick wall.

I've had the horrendous misfortune to be trapped folding clothes in a laundromat where the television was blasting forth her obnoxious fucking talk show. Actually, this has happened a few times and it's lead me to wonder just what kind of sadistic bastards run laundromats. I was, in fact, made unwilling witness to the episode where she dressed up in a fat suit and then walked around filming how cruel we all are to fat people. I had to swallow some vomit when she sat on stage and cried--cried--at how vicious people were to her when she looked fat. It took every ounce of willpower I possess to stop myself from clawing out my eyes and stuffing the empty sockets with dryer sheets to stop the madness.

As if occasional spin-cycle-related exposure to this harpy weren't bad enough, I've got a wife who enjoys America's Next Top Model. I can't fault her for this. It's a popular program and god knows she's not alone. But it means that I have to clear the fuck out of the living room or else I'm aurally assaulted by the nightmarish repetition of the phrase, "I hold in my hand two photographs. But only one of you will go on to have a chance at becoming America's Next Top Model." Sweet dog-walking Christ, how have we suffered this witch to live?

And what the fuck has possessed network executives to give this heinous dipshit a weekly--and a daily--platform from which to suckle her own ego? This has to stop. Her shows need to be cancelled immediately. Failing that, she should be allowed to continue to appear on television only as long as wears a clown suit and lets people hurl week-old lattes at her.

My question, then, for anyone who's made it this far through the rant, is this: Who do you want to see shot from a cannon into a brick wall? Please spew forth some invective.

er, Tom Bergeron.

For obvious reasons.
After my Ex? Every one of those nameless ninnies who host "makeover" shows on HGTV, thinking they're just so damned twinkling cute. I want to paint a damned wall, not watch you preen and coo and ham it up like you're actually doing anything viable as a human being.

Thanks for this, Joe. I needed it.
Kurt Vonne--wait...Hi ho.
but seriously, folks...Paris is so overdone, so I'm gonna have to go niche here: Mirna from Charla/Mirna team in TAR:All Stars.

Could someone get her to de-shrill?
I loathe both Charla and Myrna. What utter assbags.

Stephen, I had never heard of Tom Bergeron before seeing him in your comment. I will now avoid him like the plague.

Steph, the only decoration ideas I get from those shows is the feeling that I just might paint my walls with my own vomit.
Wow... You never had to endure Tom "Dancing with the Stars" / "America's Funniest Home Videos" Bergeron at the laundromat? You lead a charmed life, Mr. Wack...
The guy who thought it would be funny to drop all this fucking snow on my house while I was away. I'll kill him!
It's too difficult to narrow it down to just one.

That sound you hear? It's my head exploding from contemplating all the possibilities.

Crazy Bitch would certainly top the list...
I didn't know about this episode of Tyara with her dressing up to be fat. Her crying is a major slap in the face to people with real weight problems. I was just watching the end of the Dr. Phil show and I realized how he has turned the whole show into a way to sell stuff that he (or his son) licenses or produces. Firing him into a brick wall would be a bit harsh though. (I'm not as violent as Tyra.)

Other candidates...
Imus, (Obvious choice with the latest news)
Rush Limbaugh, (a perennial favorite to hate)
Bob Sagot, (the most unfunny guy on TV to ever think he was funny.)
I hate tv-bland Bob Saget, his stand up act, though, whoo doggies, boy-I-tell-you-what...

Still haven't seen The Aristocrats, but I hear he's pretty brutal
You haven't seen The Aristocrats? What's wrong with you?
Oh yeah Dr. Phil.

No I wouldn't shoot him from a cannon into a brick wall. i'd just wait for someone to slice his throat from ear to ear and then stand there laughing and pointing like a scene from Eraserhead.
Thank you for reminding me of another reason to not have a tv.
Can I nominate all persons on religious tv and radio shows, or might I be throwing out the baby with the bath water?
Oh, and certain people who insist on making personal medical decisions affecting women's lives political rather than private matters.
They're all goners in my cannon fantasy.
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President Bush. I cannot stand to hear him lie, um, er, speak without turning into a giant, erupting hive.

Having said that, I'm sure I'll soon be in Gitmo trying to remind myself that I'm not drowning, but only have a wet rag over my face. Really, it's not torture, really it isn't. Bamboo shoots under the fingernails never killed anyone.
Emeril, please let it be Emeril. I want to light the fuse and scream "BAM!!" and watch him fly into a wall of his own incipid cooking.
Baby Jesus. Because of Christmas.

Without it, at least my family get togethers/fights wouldn't involve shelling out any money for gifts.
Loud Mouth Rosie O'Donnell would be my first choice. Followed by every airline customer, I have had the mis-pleasure to deal with who think that I control the bad weather and mess up their travel plans just because I love to deal with their abuse.
You know, Baby Jesus has nothing but nice things to say about you, Deni...
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