Helping You Get the Most Out of Your Misery






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Sunday, April 01, 2007


Shove That Joy Buzzer Up Your Ass

Scientists are saying that the moon is going to explode some time within the next three weeks.

April fools! Ha ha ha ha ha! Oh, my god, that's so funny. Hee hee. Oh, oh my.

I fucking hate April Fools Day. Which is odd, I suppose, because I don't have anything against practical jokes in and of themselves, as long as they're not being televised by Dick Clark or Ashton Kutcher, who should both get rashes on their dongs. I appreciate a good water-bucket-over-the-doorway gag as much as the next guy. I did my share of whoopee cushioning as a lad. I can see the humor in dressing up as a policeman and telling someone their only child was killed in a bus crash.

But April Fools Day just takes something relatively funny and ruins it. Maybe it's because I'm a middle school teacher and, to me, April Fools means that at least four or five dozen kids are going to try the "Mister Wack, your shoe's untied!" thing. Maybe it's because I get irritated that news organizations waste their time on phony stories that nobody would believe for half a second. Or maybe I've just gotten older and can no longer get into the idea of a day when every dickhead has a license to put a bag of flaming dog poop on my porch. (And, yes, I'm aware of the fact that I don't actually have a porch, but I'm trying to make a point, so stop hassling me, man.)

There were, I know, valid reasons behind the creation of April Fool's Day. Historians trace the origin of the holiday to the Spanish Inquisition, when the first of April was set aside as the one day of the year when Torquemada would attempt to convert non-believers by performing hilarious, Christ-positive sketch comedy. It never worked all that well--it didn't help that most of Torquemada's sketches involved repetition of lame catch-phrases and relied too heavily on wigs and make-up--but they kept coming back to it, mostly because of the highly influential Cardinal Shekky, who was a great believer in the transformative power of fart jokes.

But the Inquisition was a long, long time ago, folks. We no longer torture Jews, except for making them listen to Pat Boone Christmas records in the workplace. We don't need this holiday any more.

And so I modestly propose a change: I think we should take the opportunity to create a practical holiday. We should change the first of April to April Tools Day. Make it the day every year when people around the world take out their tools and inspect them to make sure they're still in good working order. Think of how many household accidents could be prevented if we had a day designated for finding frayed power drill cords. Wouldn't it be nice if you knew you were missing your 3mm socket before you had use for it?

April Tools Day. It's the wave of the future.