Helping You Get the Most Out of Your Misery
Tuesday, April 03, 2007
Twelve Gullible Men
Nearly three years ago, I learned an important lesson: jury duty blows and I don't ever want to do it if I can avoid it.
Some time in 2004, I got called in to serve on a Grand Jury. I went to the courthouse, figuring that "grand" meant that we'd all wear smoking jackets and drink champagne. Boy, was I wrong. Turns out, it's the same thing as regular jury duty, but longer. Yuck.
The good news, I was told, was that, having served, I wouldn't be called for at least another four years. Lying bastards.
A month or so ago, I got a "Jury Survey" in the mail. I filled it out and made sure to write in that I wasn't supposed to have to serve again until 2008. Does the State of New York care? No. Heartless pricks. Just because I didn't send them "proof" of my service, they decided they had the right to just call me back in.
So now I've got to trek on down in two weeks and find a way to get out of it. I'm thinking I might just walk into court with my dick out. Seems like they wouldn't want anyone sitting on a jury who walks around with his junk flapping in the breeze, right?
I could also, I was thinking, get real drunk and puke on the judge. Judges hate that, or so I've heard. Then I got a really smooth idea. I remember reading about this juror, years ago, who insisted on coming to the courtroom every day in her Star Trek costume. And I thought, "Hey! What if I did the same thing, but made it a Klan robe?" There's no way they'd have a klansman serve, would they?
I don't know. But somehow, I'm going to dodge this. I might even stoop to bringing in proof that I served three years ago.
But what this has really got me wondering about is, what about all those people who never return the surveys or who just don't show up for jury duty? They make a point to tell the poor shlubs cooling their heels in the courtroom, "All these names we read and nobody answers? Those people are looking at some major fines and possible jail time."
I'm thinking maybe that's bullshit. I'm thinking the smart folks just ignore it and it's only the saps who get roped into actually sitting on a jury. Which really says something about our justice system, doesn't it?
I used to get jury summons all the time and would blithely scribble 'Not a Citizen' on them and send them back.Post a Comment
I since became a citizen and sure enough, in came the summons. I failed to show.
The next day, they sent me a letter demanding an explanation by phone or in person, and quoting ridiculously narrow hours in which to do so.
I'll let you know when the warrant for my arrest becomes active...