Helping You Get the Most Out of Your Misery






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Tuesday, May 01, 2007


And That's the Way It Was, Kind Of

Years from now, when my grandchildren sit on my knee and raise their bright, shiny faces toward my Sean Connery-esque features and ask, "Grandpapa,"--emphasis on the last syllable, thank you very much--"what's a hero?", I know exactly what I'll tell them.

I'll say, "Well Timmy," and you can be sure that I'll call them Timmy even if that's not their name, because I'm the final authority on things like that, "there aren't really any heroes left these days. Since the Democrats took control of congress in 2007, heroes have been a mite hard to come by.

"But there used to be heroes. Oh, yes. Why, there was a very brave soldier named Jessica Lynch, who was captured and tortured and subjected to the heathen leers of all sorts of swarthy men who probably saw her as some kind of goddess. But she fought them with everything she had and eventually, a crack squad of military ninjas broke into that enemy hospital and rescued her.

"Then, there was Pat Tillman. He battled opposing players on the football field before his great patriotism led him to battle an even greater enemy on the field of battle. The enemy got him, but he took down as many of them as he could before he succumbed.

"And these heroes were led by the greatest hero of all. I tell you, Timmy, I will never forget May 1st, 2003 . That was the day that that great hero strode across the deck of an aircraft carrier deep, deep within the enemy waters off of California to let us know that the war was over. He looked so handsome in that flight suit and radiated such competence that the sailors on board the carrier were spontaneously moved to hang a banner which shouted 'Mission Accomplished!' for all to see. And those same sailors were clever enough to hang it right where the numerous television cameras would be sure to get it in frame behind the hero.

"Anyway, this man was a hero because he and his administration did such a great job of managing the war that it was over in a tick. This great man and the heroes from that war filled America with pride and gave us the confidence to support our president. Because of this man, we ended terrorism and made America the most beloved country in the world. And this great man's name was George W. Bush.

"What's that? Grandma says George W. Bush was a lump of shit? Yeah, well your grandma sniffs glue. Listen, there's always going to be revisionist historians who trot out all kinds of 'facts' that ruin a perfectly good, impressively orchestrated story of heroism. Y'know what I say to those people? Do you, Timmy? I say they can kiss my pruny ass, Timmy. Oh yeah? Then your teacher can kiss my pruny ass, too. Your teacher sounds like a dipshit. Get off my fucking knee."

Wow. The future's going to be awesome.

Bwah ha ha ha ha haaaaa! Our bicameral system needs a mite of a purging, Timmy.
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