Helping You Get the Most Out of Your Misery






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Monday, May 21, 2007


Bon Jour, Monsieur Toilet!


There was one big question floating around my household this weekend and, unfortunately, it wasn't "Who's gonna win the Preakness?" Instead, we were asking, "Is this food poisoning or a virus?"

That's not an enigma with which anybody likes to be faced, I wouldn't think. But it had some importance to us, as one answer would spare my wife the same fate as myself, while the other would doom her to a similar drippy misery.

Whatever the hell it was--we never actually figured out the root cause--it was a virulent motherfucker. Went from zero to sixty in no time flat. One minute, I'm doing the dishes and half-assedly watching Mission: Impossible III, the next minute I'm whole-assedly doing my best impression of Niagra Falls.

I suppose it's possible that the whole thing was a reaction to watching a Tom Cruise movie, but I should point out that I've always been able to sit through Jerry Maguire with practically no gastrointestinal distress.

This sort of thing is absolutely no fun anytime it happens. But it's worse when, instead of being a one-off sort of event, it comes in marathon form. And so it did. All goddamn day. Which sucked massive balls because this was my wife's birthday weekend and we had to cancel a celebratory dinner with friends. "Hi. I have a reservation for four at seven? Yeah, I have to cancel because I can't control my bowels."

Then came the puking. That was fun. Note to the curious: When you're drinking Fruit Punch Gatorade to keep yourself from dehydrating due to excessive fecal fluidity, your vomit turns completely and utterly red. This only happened once, thank god, but I did half-way fill a nice-sized bucket.

The other issue continued into the next goddamn day, which meant my wife had to leave me behind to get any NYC enjoyment out of her special weekend. I, meanwhile, got to watch a substantial portion of the Heroes marathon on SciFi. Which is cool and all, but, if faced with the choice, I'd much rather have solid stool.

I felt a million times better by this morning, which meant I was plenty healthy to go to work. Yay! Why, I'm asking, can't The Runs have a better sense of timing?

I'm hoping, at least that maybe I lost a pound or two. 'Cause I'd hate to go through all that with nothing to show for it.

Glad you and your nether regions are better.
Sounds like food borne illness, a.k.a. "food poisoning"
Old home remedy: 12 oz can of regular coke, add 1/4 cup of sugar, bring to a boil and cool...drink. Cures nausea. Seriously, ask a bright red vomit and it makes dealing with the other symptoms MUCH easier. (having children, you pick up a thing or two)

Sorry you missed your wifes birthday....glad to hear you're feeling better.

Laughed my head off at the title....
Poor Joe! Poor Mrs. Hairshirt!

I hope you two have some awesome Memorial Day weekend plans to help make up for the short-shrifted birthday due to bowel distress.

And I hope your gastrointestinal system gets with the program and remembers the point is to keep you out of school for the last few weeks before summer break, not ruin your weekends.
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