Helping You Get the Most Out of Your Misery
Wednesday, May 09, 2007
Hairshirt Horoscope (Special Wolfowitz Edition)
Aries: This week, you truly realize how wonderfully loyal your friends are. Mind you, they're not so loyal that they'd nay say the international community if people were calling you to be fired as president of the World Bank, but they're not chopped liver, either.
Taurus: One of your worst nightmares is realized as you show up for a blind date only to discover that the person you're meeting looks exactly like Paul Wolfowitz. Run! For the love of all that's holy, run!
Gemini: Bad news. This week, you're stricken with a nasty boil on your ass. Which you decide to name after Paul Wolfowitz.
Cancer: You're disgusted at work this week by the incompetent people you see being promoted over you. This is not unlike some asshole who gets America involved in a mid-East quagmire and is rewarded with the presidency of the World Bank.
Leo: This week, you coin a new sex phrase when you urinate on a sex partner against their will and then deny you've done anything wrong: you call it Wolfowitzing.
Virgo: You're wracked with guilt this week over some wrong you've committed against someone else. Don't worry so much. Paul Wolfowitz scored a high-paying job for the woman who blows him and he's not the least bit remorseful. Compared to that, you're small potatoes.
Libra: You smell like Paul Wolfowitz. And not in a good way.
Scorpio: The world is often not a fair place, Scorpio. Sometimes, you're Paul Wolfowitz and sometimes you're Colin Powell.
Sagittarius: When caught in the act of doing something ethically shaky, try straight-up denying that it's wrong. Seems to work for Paul Wolfowitz.
Capricorn: You're in a quandary this week over how to handle a problem with your neighbors. Take a cue from Smilin' Paul Wolfowitz: break into your neighbors' house and kill the adults. The children will greet you as a liberator!
Aquarius: Sometimes a friend does things so massively stupid and wrong that you just need to step back and let them face the consequences. Y'know, the exact opposite of how that dipshit in the White House is handling the Wolfowitz sit-hap.
Pisces: Man, that Paul Wolfowitz is a douche.