Helping You Get the Most Out of Your Misery






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Wednesday, May 02, 2007


Hairshirt Horoscope

Aries: Your wild side emerges this week and you find yourself fighting the urge to do something really naughty. Seeing as how "naughty" to you means putting an extra slice of cheese on your burger, this isn't a big deal.

Taurus: This is a bad week for opening up new credit card accounts, mostly because you already have thirteen old credit cards that are maxed out. Credit isn't your friend.

Cancer: Although you may find yourself tempted to cheat on your spouse this week, Cancer, you'll more than likely end up doing the right thing, in large part because nobody but your spouse would really want to sleep with you.

Gemini: You find yourself really in tune with people's body language this week. For instance, you sense right away that the homeless guy with one shoe and vomit in his beard is probably going to hit you up for money. It's really like you're psychic.

Leo: Don't believe everything you hear this week, Leo. Especially don't believe when the Scientologist doing your Personality Test says you'd really benefit from joining his church.

Virgo: Today you might find yourself the center of attention, Virgo. This is pretty easy to do when you defecate in your pants on the bus.

Libra: This week, Libra, you find yourself a bit forgetful and you may begin to worry that it's a sign of an aging brain. Don't worry. It's actually the sign of a stupid brain and has nothing to do with how incredibly old and decrepit you are.

Scorpio: A friend in the hospital may be in need of a visit this week, Scorpio. Not from you, though. Actually, you should just chip in with friends to buy him a hooker.

Sagittarius: This week, you find yourself uttering something you never thought you'd have a need to say: "Do you think you could help me smear this burn salve on my ass?"

Capricorn: You're practically catatonic this week over the demise of actor Tom Poston. It doesn't take a whole hell of a lot to get you catatonic, does it?

Aquarius: You must stop living in the past Aquarius. Yes, the rent is cheaper, but your internet connection is nowhere near as fast.

Pisces: Deviled ham! Yum!