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Wednesday, May 16, 2007


Hairshirt Horoscope

Aries: To paraphrase Jerome Kern: "Fish gotta swim, birds gotta fly, you gotta expose your genitals in public." Don't let indecent exposure laws keep you from being who you are, Aries.

Taurus: Nobody's going to think less of you for being glad Jerry Falwell's dead. But wearing a t-shirt of Falwell felating a donkey in hell might be a bit much. (Although I won't argue that that's not what's happening.)

Gemini: So your mom forgot to crumble potato chips on top of the tuna casserole. Is that really a reason to stab her? Or are you maybe just a little bit psychotic?

Cancer: Don't forget to take some time this week to stop for awhile and pet your dog. That's a bond you need to appreciate more often. If you don't have a dog, then stop and pet a homeless person. They won't mind.

Leo: The fact that you're sexually attracted to Big Bird should perhaps worry you more than it does.

Virgo: Was that just a fart? Or was it something a little more? Perhaps you'd best investigate.

Libra: Your fondest wish is granted this week as you land the part of Liesl in your local community theater's production of The Sound of Music. This is pretty inspired casting, seeing as how you're 36 years old and a dude. I just feel sorry for the kid playing Rolf.

Scorpio: Don't just sit there, blow somebody!

Sagittarius: There are better ways to explain conception to your children than a sock-puppet musical starring Charlie the Dancing Uterus.

Capricorn: Contrary to what you've read on the internet, injecting Botox into your nutsack is not a good way to give your balls a more youthful appearance.

Aquarius: Fresh-baked chocolate chip cookies sound pretty good right now, don't they? They definitely sound better than herpes. But guess which of the two you're getting.

Pisces: You're still real sceptical of this whole "eating less and exercising" approach to losing weight. The belt that stimulates your muscles while you sit on the couch eating Ho-Ho's and watching Dancing with the Stars just seems like a sounder approach.

Sliesl? What the... It's 16 going on 17, baybee; it's time to think!!! There must be one DESPERATE director to cast Joe Wack opposite a studly Rolf in Salem, OH.

Lieutenant!! -pause- No one out here, sir, save a furry black bear and its kin...
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