Helping You Get the Most Out of Your Misery






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Wednesday, May 23, 2007


Hairshirt Horoscope

Aries: Faced with an unpleasant task? Remember: vomiting gets you out of almost everything.

Taurus: You thought you had a rough time of it today? Wait until tonight, when you spend your entire REM cycle dreaming about a naked and horny Larry King.

Gemini: An apple a day keeps the doctor away, and so does an utter lack of insurance.

Cancer: Good food and good friends factor heavily into your plans this week. Mostly, because you have neither. Enjoy your Fritos, you lonely fuck.

Leo: When the stacks of dirty laundry in your bedroom start to brush up against the ceiling, you need to take some action.

Virgo: Your life is feeling a little out of control at the moment. This makes it a good time to start attempting to control someone else's life.

Libra: Don't forget, Libra, that you'll catch more flies with honey than with vinegar. And then you get the supreme pleasure of having a jar full of fly-strewn honey. Mmmm.

Scorpio: You've always thought of yourself as a sort of Superman, but the truth is, you're really more of a Red Bee. And if you actually get that reference, you're a huge fucking geek.

Sagittarius: Try not to be such a stick in the mud. Because, really, who the hell wants to be around a muddy stick?

Capricorn: You always like to think that there's no problem that can't be solved by hiring a hooker.

Aquarius: Staring at someone's tits is not flirting.

Pisces: You need to come up with a better Personal Power Mantra than "Lather, rinse, repeat."

Hey, what about Capricorns?? Do we not even have a horoscope worthy of prediction this week?
Who says I haven't ALREADY had many, many dreams involving me, a naked Larry King, suspenders and a jar of Miracle Whip?
My mom must be a Virgo!
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