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Thursday, May 31, 2007


You Can't Spell "Massive Geek" Without G-E-E-K

God help us. God help us all. The Summer TV season is upon us and my friends, it does not look good. It is, in point of fact, fucking frightening.

National Bingo Night? Sweet-cream butter-eating Jesus, why? I spent six years calling out Bingo numbers in nursing homes and, let me tell you from experience, people: sorting one's anal lint by weight and color is more exciting.

This is on the air, along with shows about inventors and wannabe celebrity impersonators. This is the time of year when network execs get their revenge on us for not appreciating Studio 60, isn't it?

I caught an ad for a new Comedy Central special from Larry the Cable Guy last week. I thought to myself, "Y'know, I'd rather be boiled in pig shit than be forced to sit through this." Then I thought, "Well, that's kind of stupid, 'cause I wouldn't, really." But then I gave the idea of having to listen to this guy's fucking jokes for an hour some more consideration and I realized, "No, I would literally rather be boiled in pig shit than watch this."

The viewing options are so goddamn pathetic that we watched the Scripps-Howard National Spelling Bee tonight. I've seen Spellbound. I went to The 25th Annual Putnam County Spelling Bee. I don't need to see anyone else spell words for the rest of my life.

But it was either this or watch the episode of The View that my wife taped yesterday, so I sat there. And I watched the geeks. I always kind of thought that knowing that Tim Drake is the third Robin made me something of a geek. But these kids put me to shame.

There was the kid whose hobbies were listed as "Parakeet breeding and playing the Irish tin whistle." There was the kid who obviously spent at least an hour a day lovingly brushing all twenty-three hairs of his 'stache. There was the Canadian runner-up, who--according to his bio--enjoys curling and baking. (I'm guessing he bakes his own curling rocks.) The vicarious joy I felt whenever one of these kids correctly spelled a word was greatly tempered by my vicarious sorrow that none of them will ever get laid.

Finally, the bee was won by a home-schooled kid who has a more-than-borderline-creepy relationship with his mom. The conversational skills he displayed during his post-win interview really served to underscore my suspicion that the home-schooling movement is really all about turning out a kid who's so socially awkward that he/she never wants to leave home.

Still, I'd much rather watch the spelling bee than Larry the Cable guy. "Boiling pig shit, party of one?"

I had the same reaction when I saw a commercial for that Bingo show. Is this really what we've been reduced to as Americans?

I weep for us all.
yes, ESG, yes it is.
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