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Sunday, June 03, 2007


Another Reason to Hate Ted Nugent


Let me see if I can relate this story without getting too graphic.

No, I don't believe I can, so refer to the warning above before deciding whether or not you wish to continue.

Still here? Okay. Very warm night last night. Sleeping in just my boxers. The sheets were too stifling, so I'd tossed them off by the time we woke up this morning. Our cat was on the bed, which is uncomfortable when it's hot and humid. My wife dumped him off and we laid there readying ourselves for the difficult task of getting up.

If you or your loved one sleep in boxers, you know that things sometimes flop out. Not in any pornographic kind of way; just there's that gap and your junk is sometimes exposed.

Long story short, the cat jumps back up on the bed; I go to dump him off my side; I'm lifting him over myself and he's not happy; he flails a bit with his claws and I end up with a cat scratch on a very sensitive part of my anatomy. An extremely sensitive part of my anatomy. I don't think I can stress how sensitive this part of my anatomy is.

After the initial cursing and resisting the urge to chase the cat down and kick him repeatedly even though it wasn't his fault, I walked as gingerly as possible to the bathroom and washed the affected area with antibiotic soap, praying that it wouldn't develop some kind of infection. Because Jesus skate-boarding Christ, I don't want to think about what that would feel like. I knew a guy whose cat got him a good one on his arm when I was in college and he looked like he'd come down with leprosy. And that was on his arm, people.

No sign of infection so far. I have, though, been completely aware of the scratch every second all day. And I can't get the guitar chords from "Cat Scratch Fever" out of my goddamn head.

I had a friend in college who was the proud owner of a cat with a habit of sneaking into her bedroom whenever her boyfriend was over. Poor guy was...umm...kneeling? on the bed one night nude and all of a sudden her cat did this ninja sneak attack thing. It jumped up from the floor did a one-two slap one the poor boyfriend testicles with its claws and then ran out of the room.

I lived in the trailer next door and I heard him hollering. It was not pretty. She got rid of the cat.
If I see Ted today, I'll kick him in the crotch for you.
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