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Tuesday, June 26, 2007


Governmental Gonads

Today, the CIA released a large number of classified documents pertaining to missions in the 50's, 60's and 70's that fell outside the scope of legal U.S. intelligence purview. The files were gathered together in 1973 at the request of then-CIA chief Jim Schlesinger after he was disturbed to learn of a CIA connection to the Watergate break-in.

Now, I suppose that the aspect of this story that ought to disturb me is the fact that it took thirty-four goddamn years for the CIA to release this information. I guess the contents of the files--detailing missions to assassinate Fidel Castro and test LSD on U.S. citizens without their knowledge or consent, among others--are fairly fucking disturbing, too.

But the thing I'm really freaked out by here is the decision to call these files, collectively, "the family jewels". What the hell is that supposed to mean?

Was Schlesinger saying that these files were so sensitive that they were like testicles? Did he mean that, like one's nutsack, the files were something best not waved around in public? Or are we to understand that these files are hairy and can work up a bit of a funk about them if they're not taken care of?

Anyway you look at it, I think they should have come up with a better name for these goddamn things. Something like, "The 'Oh, No You Di'n't' Files". Something like, "Shit That You Won't Believe". Something like, "Here's One To Make the Conspiracy Theorists Feel Justified".

Something that doesn't make me think of sweaty balls.

Something that doesn't make me think of sweaty balls.

Doesn't everything, though?
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