Helping You Get the Most Out of Your Misery
Thursday, June 21, 2007
Hairshirt Summer Horoscope
Aries: Since you're in prison, this summer will be alot like the winter, except the dude anally raping you will be sweatier.
Taurus: Nature calls! You'll find yourself involved in a lot of outdoor activities this summer, Taurus. Mostly pissing behind bushes.
Gemini: Geminis can look forward to a joyful and exciting summer, until August when you inexplicably become addicted to crack and wind up face down in a gutter. So enjoy July.
Cancer: With blueberry season coming up, Cancers should start going through their recipe files so they can make fresh and delicious desserts for everyone. Unless, that is, Cancers want something bad to happen to their loved ones. It's their choice, really: Blueberry Cobbler or little Timmy in the hospital. Tick, tock, Cancers.
Leo: A bad cold starts Leo's summer off on a sour note. Hey, it's better than the Herpes you're going to be getting in October.
Virgo: The working out you did all spring is finally going to pay off, Virgo! At last, you get to put on that bikini and strut your stuff on the beach! Where you'll quickly realize that you should've gotten a wax to go with your newly thinned thighs, as you're sporting a Don King in your nethers.
Libra: Be cautious during the second week of July, as you may find yourself compelled to talk in a ridiculous French accent.
Scorpio: For your big summer vacation this year, maybe you ought to consider going to another country! Someplace exotic! Someplace exciting! Someplace that doesn't have an extradition treaty with the U.S.
Sagittarius: For you, the absolute best time of year is here. Long nights sitting on the porch with a tall glass of iced tea, the baseball game playing on the radio as you sob uncontrollably. It's magic.
Capricorn: Take advantage of summer-time cultural events, Capricorn. You should be enjoying outdoor symphony concerts, Shakespeare in the Park, or even just looking at pretty pictures in the US Weekly you can't read because you're illiterate.
Aquarius: Remember, Aquarius, more hours of daylight means more time for you to stand on the street corner, flipping off traffic.
Pisces: This 4th of July, Pisces, you must refrain from taking so much acid that you singe off your eyebrows getting too close to the amazing sparklers. The doctor said that if it happened again, you'd need a transplant.