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Monday, June 04, 2007


The Stairs and Their Accepted Uses

Walking my dogs five minutes ago. I open our door and start down the steps. There's a lady sitting on our stoop with a bunch of bags around her. A passerby warns her, "Big dogs comin' down." The lady grabs her shit and stands up, panicky. She looks anxiously at me, "Which way you going?" I give her an admittedly curt, "Out" and walk on by.

Strolling back to my apartment, I see she's no longer on our stoop. She is, however, sitting about five stoops down from ours and I'm made aware of this fact when she calls out to me, prompting the following exchange:

LADY: I ain't on your stoop, so you can't say nothing.

ME: What? I didn't say anything in the first place.

LADY: Harassing me. I just sat down!

ME: Lady, I'm walking my dogs. It had fuck-all to do with you!

LADY: You came down right after I sat down! I just sat down!

ME: Okay. Have a nice night.

LADY: I'm homeless! How am I supposed to have a nice night when I'm homeless?

ME: You got me on that one.

I just, I can't fucking stand the fact that I'm the prick here when I was simply trying to walk my dogs. Now, if I'd walked my dogs and then thrown their feces at the lady, she would have had a very real complaint. But I'm pretty certain that part of my rental agreement stipulates that I can go in and out of my apartment.

I'd have a lot more compassion for the homeless if some of them weren't such assholes about it.

I would slay the homeless for you, but unfortunately, I wouldn't get much out of it--their dry (and usually OLD) skin makes for a piss-poor overcoat.

Children have the best wearable skin by far! So elastic!

Well, maybe there's something I can do for you as a, wait, I moved to Texas to live near other Republican dullard mass murderers! OOPS!

When you think about it, the solution to your homeless problem is always going to be violence. So swallow some of those liberal principles, and get down to it!
Well of course she was offended. There you were, walking around all homefull right in front of her. Flaunting the fact that you have a place to live right in her face. "Hey, look at me, I'm so rich I not only have a home, but I have so much extra food I have a dog, too!"

You should be ashamed of yourself.
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