Helping You Get the Most Out of Your Misery






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Friday, July 13, 2007



So, now that David Beckham and his wife are here, is there any way we can make them go back again?

They're just arriving and I'm already really fucking sick of them. There's coverage of their big move all over the goddamn news. There's--I wish I was joking about this--a TV special on NBC. I suppose it will be filled with all sorts of awesome tidbits like their confusion over the fact that we call a "lift" an "elevator".

Just because these two are the biggest celebrities in Britain, why does that mean we need to pay them the slightest bit of attention? You don't see a whole lot of Americans having canned mushrooms and beans with their breakfast, do you? Then why the hell do we need to buy into this nonsense?

Seriously, does anybody really expect this one guy and his anorexic mutant wife to make Americans give a shit about soccer? C'mon. We're already chock full of sports in which you can use your hands, thank you very much. I think soccer has found a very nice niche as "that sport your kids play that you have to sit through when you'd rather be home quietly downloading porn". To hell with soccer and to hell with these two.

Our tabloid magazines already have more than enough to cover, what with Paris and TomKat and all the other celebrity retards out there. We don't need the U.K. dumping these two on our shores. So my idea is this: let's all chip in and buy the Beckhams a plane ticket back to England so we can get on with our lives.