Helping You Get the Most Out of Your Misery






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Thursday, July 19, 2007


Hairshirt Horoscope

Aries: An upsurge in your energy level could mean you're going to get a lot done this week, Aries. Or it could mean that you're entering your manic phase and just might stay up for three days straight, obsessively washing your hands to "get the blood off".

Taurus: Your sense of aesthetics is at its height this week, Taurus, which makes it a great time to appreciate art. And, no, porn doesn't count. Unless you know of a painting in which Degas depicted one of his ballerinas getting double-teamed by a couple of sailors.

Gemini: Pot pie! Pot pie! Pot pie! Pot pie! Pot Pie!

Cancer: Things are especially tranquil in your life this week, Cancer. To you, though, it feels like the calm before the storm. In actuality, you're just really fucking boring.

Leo: This is a great week to experiment, Leo. Maybe you could sign up for an evening class. Maybe you could cook an exciting new cuisine. Maybe you could see if you can go three whole days without masturbating while you watch your neighbor through your closed blinds.

Virgo: Your dream comes true this week with the release of Hairspray. Finally, the stars of Grease and Grease II come together in movie musical harmony.

Libra: You'll spend most of the weekend reading the new Harry Potter book. And the remainder of it all pissed off because nobody you know has finished it so you can fucking discuss it.

Scorpio: Finally! This is the week your Star Fleet uniform comes back from the cleaners.

Sagittarius: An intriguing invitation comes your way this week, Sagittarius, which leaves you feeling very honored and privileged. After all, it's not every Tom, Dick or Harry who's offered 15% off today's purchases if they open a new Sears Charge Account.

Capricorn: Now's the time for romance with your partner, Capricorn. So lube up and enjoy!

Aquarius: The end of a particularly important relationship leaves you in need of a Band-Aid for your heart, Aquarius. And you probably want to make sure you're putting Neosporin on there, too, or you could be looking at a nasty infection. So you might need to make a stop at the metaphorical drugstore on your way home from work today.

Pisces: It's a great week to travel, Pisces. Just be selective about the method of transportation.