Helping You Get the Most Out of Your Misery






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Wednesday, July 04, 2007


Historical Hairshirt Horoscope

Folks, believe it or not, the Hairshirt Horoscope has been around for over 236 years. It was originally a feature in Ben Franklin's Poor Richard's Almanac, tucked in right behind the Tide Schedule. While looking through the Hairshirt Horoscope Archives at the Library of Congress last week, I happened upon this edition from July 4th, 1776 and I thought it might make a nice treat to reprint it on Independence Day. Enjoy.

Aries: This looks to be a very good day for Aries who want to declare something. So, if there's a person who's been riding you like Paul Revere rides his horse, this might be the time to say something about it. You might even want to consider putting it in writing.

Taurus: Health issues come to the fore this week for our Taurean friends. Fortunately, you live in an age wherein doctors have the common sense to wipe their scalpels on their sleeve between patients, so as not to contaminate you with someone else's foul humours.

Gemini: Your friends, Gemini, are too embarrassed to tell you that your wig is getting a little gamy. The fact is, there's a dead rat in it. Get a new wig, for Christ's sake.

Cancer: This week, Cancer, you find yourself utterly indignant about your oppression at the hands of the British monarchy. That King George is so damned oppressive. Also, you might have to deal with an uppity slave who resents you selling off his wife and children.

Leo: Leos are in for an incredibly entertaining week as someone in your household invents a hilarious new shadow puppet.

Virgo: You go a little crazy this week and close down the tavern, staggering home at the disreputable hour of 7:00 PM. You need to slow down a bit, Virgo.

Libra: Be careful about when you draw your drinking water from the river this week, Libra. Your upstream neighbor might be experiencing some gastrointestinal irregularity and you really don't want it to end up in your evening stew.

Scorpio: The expectant Scorpio parent might be losing sleep this week over the prospect of having to pay for the education of their offspring. Fret not, Scorpio. The stars indicate that you'll be having a baby girl. So go ahead and spend that nascent college fund on a sporty new horse.

Sagittarius: Lonely Sagittarian women might want to look for a more unconventional choice in physical partners. Now might be a good time to explore your erotic identity in the company of a man who lives outside of society's norms. Maybe someone who flies a kite during thunderstorms, say. That kind of gentleman is probably both discreet in public and wild in the sack.

Capricorn: Be careful how much mulled wine you consume this week, Capricorn. Important affairs are afoot and you wouldn't want to get drunk and embarrass yourself by, for example, writing your name on an important document five times larger than it needs to be.

Aquarius: Aquarians considering a move to the Western territories may be a trifle nervous vis-a-vis the heathen natives who dwell in those remote areas. Rest assured, gentle friends, that your government is doing everything it can to kill them before they hassle you.

Pisces: Enjoy your nice, quiet farm life while you can, Pisces. There's a good chance your friends are going to pressure you into fathering a country or something. What a drag.