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Sunday, July 08, 2007


The Ol' Gag Reflex Kicks In

So I saw two really, really disgusting things today and I'm not sure which one was viler. (More vile? Fuller of vilosity?) Anyway, I'll let you be the judge.

The first disgusting thing was a Tupperware container that my wife brought back from work on Monday. She'd taken broccoli for lunch that day, but apparently only ate about half of it. Monday night was hellaciously busy, what with packing for her trip and all, so she didn't remember to put it in the refrigerator and she didn't alert me to its presence in the living room.

Today, then, I'm tidying up a bit for her return from Seattle. I suppose I could have tidied up before the day she was due back, but I find that extra bit of pressure really focuses me. I open up the lunch bag and notice that she's left the Tupperware in it. I carry it to the sink and get ready to dump out whatever's inside so I can wash it.

The first thing that his me was the stench. Broccoli doesn't smell all that goddamn pleasant when it's fresh, even. This was not fresh, though. This had had six days of eighty-degree weather in the living room to putrefy. That was gross. What was worse--oh, so much worse--was when I looked a little closer at the putrefied broccoli and noticed the maggots. I'm extremely thankful that I hadn't eaten anything prior to this discovery, because I would've puked it right into the kitchen sink.

So we're now down one piece of Tupperware, 'cause there was no way in hell that I was cleaning out the maggots. Once a maggot moves into something I own, my policy is to sign the deed over to them and put a tally on the loss board.

The second disgusting thing I saw today was Live Free or Die Hard.

Now, that one had no maggots. But neither did it have logic, believability or a coherent screenplay. It's like watching Bruce Willis take the rotten, moldering corpse of the first Die Hard and have noisy and violent sex with it. The maggots in that broccoli could make a better movie than this. And they have no opposable thumbs.

It's a close race, but I believe I have to say that the movie was the more disgusting of the two. Now, maybe if there'd been, like, a severed finger in the broccoli, that would've tipped the scales.

The severed finger would also have brought up some interesting conversations with the wife.

"Um, honey, great to have you back, love you, but did you by any chance kill and consume most of a coworker?"
ehh...didn't mind ain't the first or even the second one, but it's by no means as bad as the third one.

my vote: rotten broccoli's much more vile.
Oh GAWD! This is the first I've heard of this. I think I may hurl. Maggots. IN MY HOUSE.
Maggots- impressively gross.

LFoDH- not so much. Impressive, that is.
Mrs. Hairshirt was in Seattle??

I guess I no longer rate...
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