Helping You Get the Most Out of Your Misery
Wednesday, July 25, 2007
The SEXIEST Hairshirt Horscope Ever
For some reason, the stars are awfully goddamn sexy at the moment. So the good folks here at the Hairshirt Horoscope have decided to provide each of the signs with the can't-miss pick-up lines guaranteed* this week to fill your bed with luscious, pliable flesh. Enjoy the unbridled carnality that's sure to ensue.
Aries: "Hey there. You ever wonder what it would be like to fuck a hermaphrodite?"
Taurus: "That looks like a good sandwich. What say I remove the corned beef, cheese and sauerkraut and crawl between those two slices of toasted rye so you can eat me like the sexiest Reuben that ever existed?"
Gemini: "My sensai taught me forty-seven ways to pleasure a woman using just my pinkie-toe. I'd like to show you number thirty-eight."
Cancer: "Yeah, baby, I'm a priest. And let me tell you: we just use the altar boys to practice our skillz. Aw, yeah."
Leo: "Those pants look good on you. They'd look even better on my bedroom floor, the implication being that you yourself were in my bedroom and had removed the pants for the purpose of sexual activity. I wouldn't want you to think that I was saying I'd like to purchase the pants and just leave them lying around my house."
Virgo: "Baby, I can rock you all night long. As long as rocking you involves sleep at some point."
Libra: "I have over ten thousand mint-condition comics at my place. Maybe you'd like to come over and read them with me. While naked."
Scorpio: "I didn't know angels could fly so low. Or that they'd ever wear something so hideous as six-inch plexiglass heels and a gold lame tubetop. Hey, am I gonna have to pay you?"
Sagittarius: "I just had an enema, so I'm ready for anything."
Capricorn: "Here's what I want: You. Me. A bedroom. Candles lit. Pat Boone records playing in the background. Let's get out of here."
Aquarius: "Ooo, baby, you set my crotch on fire. Put me out with your fire extinguisher of love. I hope it's a Class D extinguisher, because this fire is chemical in nature."
Pisces: "I can tie a cherry stem into a knot. With my vagina."
*Note: Hairshirt is not responsible for any venereal diseases that may result from use of these pick-up lines; nor do we guarantee the attractiveness of anyone who may be wooed with these words. Offer not available in Alaska.