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Thursday, August 16, 2007


Back to Ohio

Just got back from Ohio, where I spent a few very nice days with my family.

More specifically, I spent five very nice days and one very painful goddamn night. I won't bother you with too many details about the pleasant stuff. Suffice it to say, it involved lots of visiting with my nephew. Pretty damned cute, no?

My friend Keith and I also put in some work on our synchronized swimming routine. We're still working out the choreography, but I'm pretty sure we're going to wow them in Beijing.

But then there was the painful bit. The night of pain involved, as most pain does, professional baseball. There were many layers to this baseball-related pain. It was like a malevolent lasagna. First, there was the fact that we were seated literally in the corner. This chart doesn't even include our section, but we were basically sitting just before the point where the seats curve around and face the infield. So we had a great view of Trot Nixon standing around, but we had to turn severely to our left if we wanted to see any actual play. Which meant that our view was obscured any time someone in our section decided to leave their seat for any reason and walk up or down the aisle between us and the action.

I need to say right here and now that this is not a criticism of the person who bought the tickets. These were "best available" seats and, under normal circumstances, even with the hordes of people whose quests for beer, hot dogs or bladder relief occasionally prevented us from seeing Jhonny Peralta strike out, the seats themselves were not that bad.

No, what made the seats unbearable was the fact that we were trapped within a huge fucking section of Detroit Tigers fans. What made it more unbearable than that was the fact that these were some obnoxious goddamn Tigers fans. What took the unbearability to Abu Gharibian levels was the fact that Tigers bent the Indians over in the tenth inning and sodomized them like a tax-cheat in prison. It's goddamn humiliating to be in your home stadium and to have to endure taunts from drunken Michiganians. My only comeback was, "Hey! Your state's so fucking lame it's split in two!" Which did, I can proudly say, make one or two of them cry.

I always kind of liked the Tigers before now, if for no other reason than that Magnum, P.I. always wore a Detroit cap. But now? Fuck the Tigers. I hope their natural habitats are destroyed by encroaching development. Pricks.

Joseph Ray Wack, goddamnit! You had to put that picture on your blog! The one showing the horrendously outdated pattern of my 30-year old couch!

You asshole, lol!

And, no, I don't really care how shitty I look personally...I'm old and way over that crap now. Sob.
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