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Wednesday, August 29, 2007


Hairshirt Back to School Horoscope

Aries: You just can't wait to get back to school so you can share with all your friends the fact that you've renamed your penis "The Dalai Lama".

Taurus: Your first day of school doesn't go so well, Taurus, when bullies steal your lunch money. You just need to remind them that you're the principal and you won't stand for such behavior and you're going to tell on them.

Gemini: You're all set to begin your senior year, having spent the summer in front of the mirror in your room practicing your best "disaffected" look. So, y'know, whatever.

Cancer: Back to school is truly your favorite time of year, Cancer. With the kids out of the house, you finally have the time you need to drink until you pass out.

Leo: Having graduated from college, you're now faced with the first September since you were five that you're not going back to school. Which gives you a perfect excuse to indulge in some pathetic early-twenties navel-gazing that will make anybody around you over the age of thirty want to rip your stupid fucking head off.

Virgo: Your one goal for this school year? Successfully taking a dump in the football captain's locker. Live your dream, man. Live your dream.

Libra: Back to School means one thing and one thing only to you, Libra: the court order keeping you one hundred yards from elementary schools is back in effect.

Scorpio: This is a very, very special time for you Scorpios who are entering your first year as a teacher. This is the moment before your dreams come crashing down around your ankles and you start learning just how painful life can be. Enjoy!

Sagittarius: Moving away from your family for the first time and starting college among a campus full of people you don't know can be a daunting prospect, Sagittarius. Fortunately, you do this armed with the fact that you were voted Most Likely to Succeed by your high school graduating class. Make sure you mention that whenever you meet someone new.

Capricorn: Ah, Back to School. Finally, the start of a new high school football season and the resumption of your quest to force your 5'3", 115 lb son live out the sports dreams you never got to. It's what having kids is all about, Capricorn.

Aquarius: As you nervously approach your first full day as Head Cook in an elementary school cafeteria, please keep one hard, fast rule in mind: You can't go wrong with Pizza on a Bun.

Pisces: This year, you're sure to make the cheerleading squad, Pisces. Who cares if you're thirty-five and a dude. You've got spirit; you've got skills.

If only I could actually spend my days drinking until I passed out.

If only.
Close. The bullies just called me names and graffiti'd my car.
Damn bulles.
my roommate's five year old had this to say upon conclusion of her first day of kindergarten, "they didn't feed me at all and they made me play ring-around-the-rosy instead and i never want to go back to that stupid mean school again!" i'm pretty sure she's a taurus.
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