Helping You Get the Most Out of Your Misery






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Wednesday, August 15, 2007


Hairshirt Horoscope

Aries: You're all for the Bush administration's plan to label the Iranian Revolutionary Guard a terrorist group. In fact, you're hoping they'll keep going and name Sean Penn an enemy combatant.

Taurus: There's a potato salad in your immediate future. Sadly, it has too much mayonnaise.

Gemini: Your grandmother's 80th birthday party is not the proper place to show off the picture of Barry Bonds you just had tatooed on your penis. Probably, that should go without saying.

Cancer: Got a little riddle for you. What's the difference between your opinion on Barack Obama and your underwear? You've changed your opinion on Barack Obama in the last week. Do some fucking laundry, Pigpen.

Leo: Don't forget you've got a dental appointment this week. It's really sad that you need a random horoscope to remind you of this shit. You need a day-planner.

Virgo: Flat-head? Phillips? Who cares? You just plain love screwdrivers.

Libra: You're in for some interpersonal drama at work this week as you and a co-worker face off over which font to use for a memo. I didn't say it was going to be cool drama.

Scorpio: It's great that you're so fond of cheese, Scorpio, but do you truly need to melt it on your cereal?

Sagittarius: The man with a watch always knows what time it is. The man with two watches is never sure. Which raises the question, what kind of asshole wears two watches?

Capricorn: Thirty years after Elvis's death and the wounds still haven't healed, have they, Capricorn? Ssshh. It's okay. Let the tears come.

Aquarius: This is the time to start trying new things, Aquarius; things like shutting the fuck up on occasion. That'd be novel, wouldn't it?

Pisces: Your commitment to environmentally-friendly innovation is admirable. However, do you really think the public at large is going to go for condoms made from processed sun-dried tomatoes? They're just so damned salty.