Helping You Get the Most Out of Your Misery






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Wednesday, August 22, 2007


Hairshirt Horoscope

Aries: Good news for Aries folks with a patriotic bent: your state has just decided to move up their 2008 presidential primary to this coming weekend! Enjoy the incredibly fucked-up democratic process!

Taurus: This is your day for decadent indulgence, Taurus! So go on, eat all the deviled eggs you please. Just be aware that any indulgence that doesn't involve deviled eggs will be met with deadly consequences.

Gemini: A great day for family activities. Spend some time with your loved ones, especially the children. Unless that restraining order is still in effect, in which case you're probably going to need to stay at least thirty yards from anyone under the age of 12.

Cancer: As you kick back in your room and listen (again!) to the soundtrack from High School Musical 2, you can't help but ask yourself if life could possibly get any better. The answer, of course is, for you, probably not.

Leo: This week, Leos are faced with temptation to stray. Someone has a secret attraction to you, Leo, and the strength of your current relationship could be put to the test as you decide whether or not to give in to your urges. If it helps you decide, you might want to know that this person with whom you'd be cheating has crabs. A lot of them.

Virgo: That future you've been dreaming of for so long is finally here, Virgo. So what, exactly are you waiting for? Go on eBay right this second and start selling your used underwear to anonymous perverts! Live the dream!

Libra: Be aware that, although you're telling everyone that you're currently reading this, most people are aware that you're actually currently reading this.

Scorpio: This week, Scorpio, you'll find yourself exploring a darker side of your personality of which you may have been totally unaware up until now. This is okay. There's good and bad in all of us. So, as you're climbing off of the corpse with which you just had sex, take a moment to forgive yourself.

Sagittarius: You just can't look at pictures from this week's Montebello Summit of North American leaders without wondering, "Hmm... Would I rather have a president that was short, one that was boring or one that was incredibly fucking stupid?" This is, indeed, a question for the ages.

Capricorn: There are good fungi, Capricorn, and bad fungi. Truffles, for example, are wonderful fungi. Whatever it is that's growing in the cereal bowl you've left in the sink since last month would fall under the "bad" category.

Aquarius: Now's the time to tackle that big project you've been putting off, Aquarius. Let's face it, your fat rolls are not going to clean between themselves. So get out your bathing stick and get to it.

Pisces: You're a romantic at heart, Pisces. This does little to explain your massive monthly spending on porn.

hey, I approve of my reading material...
I took the hint and finally did the dishes.

I told the fruit flies it was your fault. They'll be showing up in NYC in a month or so (it takes a while to fly that far) to file a complaint.
Great. I'm reading this on Thursday, and I'm wondering what's going to happen now as I was deviled egg-free yesterday.
Crapety, crap crap.
TBO-- I love you, man, but I don't actually want to picture you spanking anyone.

Suzanne-- Fruit flies I don't mind, but I'm not crazy about the vegetable flies. They've got a lot more fiber.

WM-- You're fucked.
Your know Libra me so well...
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