Helping You Get the Most Out of Your Misery
Wednesday, August 01, 2007
Aries: If it looks like a duck and quacks like a duck, it might be some kind of pervert in a duck outfit, looking to score with a duck.
Taurus: Early to bed, early to rise makes you fucking dull.
Gemini: You can fool some of the people some of the time, but you're not fulling anyone with that sock you've stuffed in your underwear.
Cancer: Let sleeping dogs lie, unless they're lying on your bed while you're having sex. There's just something kind of skeevy about that.
Leo: One in the hand is worth two in the bush. Unless we're talking dirty, in which case it's the other way around. Hey-o-o-o!
Virgo: Don't take any wooden nickels. Because nickels aren't actually made out of wood, see, they're made out of copper and nickel. So, if somebody gives you a wooden nickel and you try to spend it, the guy at the store is going to go, "Hey, this isn't real!" and he's going to be all pissed. So make sure you don't take any.
Libra: It is easier for a camel to pass through the eye of a needle than for a rich man to enter the kingdom of heaven. Fortunately, you're poor as dogshit, so you'll just zip right in there.
Scorpio: The way to a man's heart is through his stomach. See, you go through the stomach, climb up the esophagus, hang a left and you can't miss it. If you hit the uvula, you've gone too far.
Sagittarius: Don't look a gift horse in the mouth, because they never brush their teeth, so they've got breath like ass.
Capricorn: Better to have loved and lost than to never have loved at all. Unless the person you've loved had herpes, in which case it really is better to have left that shit alone.
Aquarius: Neither a borrower nor a lender be, especially of soap. You really don't want to loan your soap out. Half the time, it comes back with pubes on it that you didn't put there.
Pisces: The meek shall inherit the earth. And, when George Bush and his friends are done with it, there's not going to be a whole hell of a lot left of it, so enjoy!