Helping You Get the Most Out of Your Misery






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Wednesday, August 08, 2007


The Hardboiled Hairshirt Horoscope

Aries: You're about to meet a tall blond; the kind of dame who'll make a guy eat his own heart out and then have him clear the table and wash the dishes.

Taurus: You feel lousy today. You're feeling like two miles of bad road that's just served as the parade route for a bunch of incontinent elephants.

Gemini: Regret is gnawing at your gut like an insistent beaver. Could you have done things differently? Would the old man have stood a chance in hell either way? Who knows. "What if?" is a sucker's game.

Cancer: You're about to stare down the business end of a .44. You'll use a voice that's pure caramel to try and calm this punch-drunk jamoke down while you slide your eyes around the room, looking for the nearest exit.

Leo: A sap is going to walk into your office today, looking for all the world like the loneliest guy on the planet. Brown coat. Brown shoes. Brown hair. A face that's been a lot closer to an open gas oven than it has to a razor.

Virgo: You're scared. Someone peeled off all of your skin and replaced it with goosebumps.

Libra: You're feeling old. Your bones creak like your grandma's old screen door and you've got about as much energy as a twenty-year-old Duracell. Still, would you give it all up if you could be some snot-nosed punk kid again? Wait, better not answer that.

Scorpio: You need a drink. There's nothing wrong with you that a handshake with Johnny Walker can't fix.

Sagittarius: You're tired. For three sleepless nights in a row, you've been chasing the Sandman, but the clever little bastard won't spare so much as a grain.

Capricorn: You've got yourself a feeling today that something just ain't right. Everything looks normal, but the hairs on the back of your neck are standing up like soldiers on parade.

Aquarius: Bad day for crowds. Every stranger's face on the street feels like it's filled with hate just for you. Maybe it's just your conscience. Or maybe they know. Maybe they know all about your little secret.

Pisces: You're going to take her in your arms and kiss her like a drunk kisses his gin bottle. She'll say, "No, I can't. This is wrong!" You'll shoot back, "Who are you kidding, sweetheart? A dame like you loves wrong like a Baptist loves recipes that use mini-marshmallows."